Many years ago, when magazines were an important part of the media scene and did not carry the prefix “legacy,” I used to sell advertising for Rolling Stone.
I knew then—and looking back on it now—it was an incredible job. Rolling Stone was at the intellectual center of popular culture. As Jann Wenner, the founder and editor-in-chief, wrote in the first issue:
“You’re probably wondering what we are trying to do. It’s hard to say: sort of a magazine and sort of a newspaper. The trade papers have become so inaccurate and irrelevant, and the fan magazines are an anachronism. Rolling Stone is not just about music, but also about the things and attitudes that the music embraces.”
That gave the magazine a very large and colorful palette with which to paint the world. Writers such as Ben Fong-Torres, Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Wolfe, Cameron Crowe, Joe Eszterhas, P. J. O’Rourke, David Marsh, Joe Klein, and William Greider, to name just a few. The work of artists such as Annie Leibovitz, Ralph Steadman, Richard Avedon, Herb Ritts, Albert Watson, and Mark Seliger. Their stories on Manson, the Patty Hearst kidnapping, Altamont, the Jonestown massacre, and AIDS were journalistic firsts.
Rolling Stone was the voice and conscience of a generation. It was what you read if you wanted to be “in the know.”
My job at the magazine was pretty plum. I was the “Beverage Alcohol Manager,” which I used to describe sardonically as “having to drink booze and listen to rock and roll…oh damn.” It was actually a bit more than that. I had to convince booze company executives (picture ad men, only tipsier) that they should run advertising in a magazine about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It seems like a natural combination now, but back then—when people actually wore suits to the office—it was not.
The first brand I got to bring into Rolling Stone was Absolut Vodka. At the time, it was just another vodka looking to build its brand. But it was about to embark on one of the most legendary advertising campaigns in marketing history, built on one of the simplest ideas: turn the bottle into a cultural icon by commissioning artists, designers, and cultural figures to reimagine it in ways that fused the product with wit, geography, and celebrity. In other words, a perfect fit for Rolling Stone.
The campaign, which made the Absolut bottle one of the most recognizable shapes in advertising history, was largely shaped by TBWA and Michel Roux, who owned the rights to Absolut in the United States. Part of the brilliance of the campaign was that it inspired people to come up with their own Absolut ads. TBWA and Carillon leaned into this by inviting publications, once a year, to pitch new ideas for campaigns to run in their pages. Having one of your ideas accepted by Absolut was huge—not only because your concept would be seen by millions, but because it translated into large advertising budgets that could make or break your year, if not your career.
At Rolling Stone, we began prepping for these meetings months in advance. The legendary publisher Dana Fields would call me and folks from the marketing and art departments into her office, and we would brainstorm ideas until we had three or four that hit the high mark needed to be embraced by Absolut. With so much on the line, the meetings at Carillon were always tense—not only because so much rode on the outcome, but because let’s just say, things were different then and people behaved in ways that are no longer acceptable.
I don’t recall which campaigns we sold Absolut. I’m sure we sold a few. But I do remember the relationships those meetings created. Decades later, I still consider Dana Fields a friend. Richard Lewis, who ran Absolut at TBWA and literally wrote The Absolut Book, is also a good friend—and someone I had lunch with earlier this week.
It is always fun to get caught up with Richard. He is the perfect combination of smart, goofy, sarcasm, and wit. Our lunches are never long enough, leave me smiling, and on occasion even (gasp) thinking.
Our lunch on Wednesday was no exception. We spent a good part of the conversation talking about “the situation, the situation we are in…” It left me pondering on the commute home: if I were at Rolling Stone today and had to pitch a campaign to Absolut that was of the times, what would I pitch…
As I don’t have an in-house marketing or art team, I decided to enlist ChatGPT to help me create these images. Yes, I know the world is going to go to hell due to our use of AI. But considering what I hope to accomplish, I beg for your forgiveness.
Absolut Patel
The very first thing I thought about was low-hanging fruit. Kash Patel and his over-fondness for alcohol and good times, as documented in The Atlantic. I described to Chatty what I wanted, and after a few iterations, it produced this…
It was funny. Well, it made me laugh. But it lacked what most of the Absolut campaigns had: simplicity. Just the image of the bottle, its circumstance, and a headline telling the rest of the story.
For the life of me, I could not figure out how to simplify the Patel image, so I decided to move on.
Absolut RFK Jr.
More low-hanging fruit. RFK Jr. He was, to the joy of most, not having a great week in Congress, and there were some places we could go. But I didn’t want to belittle his sobriety, so I made the Absolut bottle home to his pet brain worm.
Perhaps a little mean—but you do reap what you sow.
Absolut Tariffs
Then I struggled a bit. I wanted to do something on other cabinet members who are equally incompetent, self-destructive, and parodiable. Despite it being a target-rich environment, I couldn’t land on something that was both true to the Absolut campaign’s parameters and funny.
So I switched gears.
Something Richard had mentioned during lunch: TBWA had pitched “Absolut Washington”—a bottle wrapped in red tape—for years before it got approved.
So I stole the idea.
More tragicomic than funny.
Absolut Resistance
Not people. Ideas.
What could Absolut say that was positive and uplifting while still maintaining a point of view?
This is what ensued.
Absolut Trump
What bothered me—and what wouldn’t leave me—is that if I were pitching this to Absolut from Rolling Stone, we couldn’t leave Trump out of the mix. Too rich a target.
It took two runs and a few conversations to land on this.
Absolut Deplorable
But you can’t talk about Trump without MAGA. They empower him.
Which reminded me of something Hillary Clinton said.
Her words were prophetic.
Absolut Worst
I thought I was done. Ready for show and tell.
But as sometimes happens, inspiration struck while I was writing this piece. (Yes, I know… phrasing.)
Regardless—this one felt inevitable.
Because without any doubt…
He is the worst.
It has been an Absolut pleasure writing this.
That said—this is satire.
The images and concepts presented are intended as parody and political commentary, not as statements of fact or endorsements. Any resemblance to real brands, people, or events is used deliberately for expressive and critical purposes.
Blame it on Rio 