
The other day I was driving through Staten Island.
For most of us in New Jersey all we have ever experienced of Staten Island is the highway between Goethals Bridge in New Jersey to the Verrazano Bridget that connects us to Brooklyn and beyond. We have no desire to stop and explore. There is no there for us. I mean they had Fresh Kills Garbage dump but not a destination most want to visit and its closed now. And the cast of the Jersey Shore demonstrate to those of us who love the shore why we called Staten Islanders bennies and generally avoid them at all costs.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am sure there are very nice people from Staten Island. Colin Jost and Pete Davidson are funny and are from there. But then again Antonin Scalia grew up there which is yet another reason never to stop there because no one I know wants his cooties.
Anyway, I was musing about this while stuck in the permeant traffic jam that is route 278. I was not listening to the radio because I didn’t want to hear the news (who does these days) music seemed to noisy for a traffic jam I guess I could have listened to a podcast but my go tos were either in summer hiatus or Rosie and I had already listened to them while on twice daily inspection of the neighborhood.
Did I mention that I was hot. The air conditioner in my car is on the fritz and only working at about 50% capacity. And I couldn’t open the window unless I wanted to suck down exhaust and listen to people arguing in the car in the next lane.
So I was little bit miserable. A lot bored, when I spied an old Victoiran house on top of a nearby hill. It reminded me of one few things from Staten Island that seemed worthwhile. The television show “What We Do in The Shadows.”
Never seen it? It is the story of four centuries-old vampires who have mastered immortality but remain utterly defeated by Staten Island parking, local politics, and household chores. Imagine The Office if the employees were undead narcissist.
There is Nandor, the Relentless wjp once conquered kingdoms, yet can’t figure out email, American customs, or why nobody respects his authority anymore.
Laszlo a centuries old libertine who approaches every problem with absolutely misguided certainty accompanied by ridiculous statements said with Shakespearean conviction.
Guillermo their mortal servant who longs to be a vampire but spends all of his time p vampire messes, buying groceries, and disposing of bodies. His loyalty is rewarded with…more chores.
The vampire that hit closest to home was Craig Robinson, the energy vampire. Rather than drinking blood, he feeds by trapping people in soul-crushing conversations about municipal zoning, printer maintenance, or PowerPoint updates. Every office has one—you just never realized he was supernatural.
That is until they introduced Evie Russell, the emotional vampire. So clever. Who in the course of their life has not run into an emotional vampire. Someone you have friended, dated, or made a significant other who before you knew it had sucked the emotional life out of you leaving you a husk of your former self and having to re-build your emotional infrastructure from scratch and wondering how you got here.
Thinking about it, Evie had a particularly insidious way of draining people by making them feel sorry for her with a constant stream of tragic, self-pitying stories.
Gosh, that sounds familiar.
Who else produces a constant stream of self-absorbed, self-pitying and self-centered complaints about how badly the press, the courts, his political opponents, foreign governments, former allies, late-night comedians and practically everyone except the fellow in his bathroom mirror treat him?
You know the person I mean.
The Mar-a-Lago Martyr.
The Orange Evie.
The Whiner-in-Chief.
The only man capable of occupying the most powerful office in the world while sounding like someone has once again given him the wrong table at the country club.
His speeches and social-media posts have become an endless recital of grievances. The press is dishonest. The judges are corrupt. Prosecutors are deranged. Elections are rigged. Allies are ungrateful. Foreign countries are treating us unfairly. Television hosts are untalented. Celebrities who dislike him are washed up. Even Canada, according to a recent lamentation from the Presidential Pity Palace, has treated the United States “very unfairly for decades.”
One might reasonably ask whether there is anyone on Earth who has treated this poor billionaire, television celebrity, golf-course proprietor and twice-elected president properly.
Apparently not.
At the recent White House Correspondents’ Dinner, the Tangerine Tragedian began pleasantly enough before returning to his emotional feeding ground: complaints about reporters and insults directed at the people who displease him. It was less a comedy routine than Thanksgiving dinner with a wealthy uncle who has cornered you near the liquor cabinet and wants to explain, again, why everybody is jealous of him.
Then there is Truth Social, his electronic fainting couch.
During one six-hour stretch in July, the Sultan of Sulk reportedly posted 43 times. A few weeks earlier, he unleashed more than 100 posts in another digital eruption. Apparently, governing the United States leaves considerable downtime between breakfast and the first tee.
The individual complaints are almost beside the point. Like Evie Russell’s stories, they accumulate. One grievance follows another until we are no longer discussing policy, budgets, wars or the future of the country. We are discussing him: who insulted him, who betrayed him, who failed to praise him sufficiently and which unpleasant fact must be transformed into another story of his persecution.
That is how the emotional vampire feeds.
Evie drains her victims by forcing them to feel sorry for her. The Mango Martyr does something even more ambitious. He drains an entire country by demanding that every event be experienced through his emotions.
If he is angry, we must all be angry.
If he feels humiliated, the nation must seek revenge.
If a reporter criticizes him, the press becomes an enemy.
If a judge rules against him, the justice system is corrupt.
If an ally disagrees, the ally becomes a traitor.
If reality itself refuses to cooperate, reality must be fired and replaced by someone more loyal.
And it works.
Every morning, millions of Americans awaken to discover what has offended the Apricot Aggrievance since they went to bed. Television panels analyze his latest tantrum. Members of Congress rush to defend it. Administration officials translate it into something resembling policy. The rest of us argue about it over breakfast, mutter about it during the day and carry it to bed with us at night.
He posts. We react.
He complains. We explain.
He wallows. We slowly become exhausted.
Like all emotional vampires, he does not merely consume attention. He consumes joy. He turns holidays into political rallies, tragedies into opportunities for self-praise and national celebrations into another airing of personal grievances. Even moments that should belong to the country somehow end up revolving around the Great Pumpkin’s hurt feelings.
By the time he is finished, we are too tired to discuss the cost of groceries, the national debt, housing, health care or whether the republic is being quietly dismantled while everyone debates the latest Truth Social eruption.
Perhaps that is the real danger of being governed by an emotional vampire. It is not simply that he is exhausting. It is that exhaustion becomes a political strategy.
A drained country is easier to frighten.
An angry country is easier to divide.
And a country that spends every waking hour tending to one man’s limitless emotional needs has precious little energy left to tend to its own.
Traffic finally began to move. The Victorian house disappeared behind me, and the air conditioner coughed out another lukewarm breath.
For a moment, I wondered whether the vampires of Staten Island might actually be preferable.
Nandor may be incompetent. Laszlo may be depraved. Colin Robinson may bore you into unconsciousness. Evie Russell may leave you emotionally hollowed out.
But at least they are fictional.
And none of them has the nuclear codes.










Cheeto Dust
I am sitting in Ice Cream Square.
It is a bucolic little park in the heart of our neighborhood, at the edge of a jungle and in the shadow of Pedra da Gávea, a monolithic rock that rises almost 3,000 feet above our neighborhood. It has a small playground for children and a few pieces of rudimentary exercise equipment for those so inclined — the kind that always seems to have exactly one determined retiree working the pull-up bar no matter the hour.
My wife dubbed it Ice Cream Square because a couple of years back the HOA placed a WizMart — a self-serve mini-mart in a repurposed shipping container — adjacent to the park, where we’ve been known to grab an ice cream bar to sustain us while walking on particularly hot days.
Today, I am walking alone. Walking and exercise help me find balance when the world seems to be coming at me faster than produce in Fruit Ninja. And it has been that sort of week. Not only had it been one of those weeks at my company where challenges seemed to pop up faster than mushrooms after a rainstorm, but earlier today we had to say goodbye to our cat, Romeow. Despite the fact that he tried to murder me every morning by weaving in front of me on my way down the stairs to feed him, he was a great lap companion and a wonderful listener to my monologues on any subject. He had opinions about all of it, mostly conveyed through the volume of his meowing and the insistence with which he head-butted whatever body part was nearest, but opinions nonetheless.
Making the decision to euthanize your pet, no matter how right it is, is fraught with guilt, what-ifs, and the unanswerable question of what he would ask of you if he could speak. Returning home to an empty house, where you look for him in all those old familiar places, only compounds the sadness. You catch yourself listening for the specific thump of him jumping down from the windowsill, and there’s a full second before you remember why you’re not going to hear it.
Did I mention I really needed this walk?
Normally, when I walk, I listen to an audiobook. Partially because it relieves boredom. Partially because it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. But mostly because it blocks out the intrusive thoughts that the walk was designed to free me from. Today, though, I decided that the whole purpose of this walk was to help me slay the demons that sometimes lie in my thoughts. No narrator, no plot, just me and whatever my brain decided to serve up.
Today my walk was full of thoughts of my dad, as they often are when I’m walking my way through life’s challenges. On my walk today, I found myself reminiscing about the advice he would give us when we ran into problems he felt deserved more attention. He would ask, “Do you think these problems would go away if you just sprinkled a little fairy dust on them?” He’d usually say it with one eyebrow raised, in the tone of a man who had heard every excuse in the book and found all of them equally unconvincing.
I have no idea where he got that expression. Probably some Viennese nursery rhyme from his childhood, translated into English. Or perhaps it was something his father had said to him. But I knew what he meant. He was trying to teach us that problems don’t solve themselves. There are no magic solutions. You’re responsible for solving them, so get on it. If it’s broke, figure out how to fix it. If your first solution doesn’t work, figure out why and come up with a new plan. And if that doesn’t work, repeat.
Hoping something will change just because you want it to is delusional.
But over time, I gave his fairy dust expression a different interpretation. Instead of thinking of it as a magic solution to my problems, I began to think of it as my work product. What “fairy dust” can I bring to the problem that will actually solve it? Not a wish. A deliverable.
And that is what I tried to do on my walk: apply fairy dust to the challenges my fledgling little businesses are facing. How to resolve some management problems with people who were trying to do the right thing but were spending too much time in the weeds and not enough time looking at the horizon. Where to find the next big revenue hit, and how best to cope with the clients we have who keep challenging us to do better. How to console my wife, who — in addition to dealing with the death of her companion of the last thirteen years — was suffering from guilt over euthanizing her beloved pet.
Sitting here on the small patio directly adjacent to WizMart, with the warm winter sun on my face and the sounds of the Brazilian forest — bem-te-vis singing their eponymous song, tamarins chirping and whistling as they do their tightrope act on the power lines, plus a few mysterious ones I can’t identify — I’m satisfied with my application of fairy dust. I haven’t solved all the challenges, but I know I’ve taken some steps, mental as they may be, to push the ball down the field. For example, I know no amount of fairy dust will ever fill the void in my heart for my pal Romeow, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that we did our best for him, and that wherever he is, he’s at peace.
My reward for such good work is not ice cream. It’s winter here (gasp, it’s in the sixties), so I’m enjoying a bag of Cheetos Requeijão — a flavor of Cheetos sold only in Brazil, of which I am particularly fond — and a can of Guarana Zero.
Life is good. Idyllic location, fairy dust applied. Om mani padme hum. I’m convinced that if I listen hard enough, I’ll hear the rich, resonant hum of a Zen bowl.
Then I made the mistake of looking down at my fingers and seeing they’re caked in Cheeto dust sludge — the kind that, I know from experience, gets so embedded into your skin and nails that it takes a power washer to remove. Which, of course, makes me think of the Grand Cheeto himself.
Talk about a buzzkill.
But it spurred a thought: if fairy dust is what you apply when you need to solve a problem, what does Cheeto dust do when you apply it to one?
Cheeto dust has to be the anti-fairy dust. Apply it to a problem and, instead of getting a solution, you get more problems and bigger issues. It doesn’t require decades of hard-won judgment. It doesn’t require you to sit with a problem long enough to actually understand it. It just requires a couch, a bag, and an unshakeable belief in your own genius — and the confidence to declare victory on the way out the door, before anyone checks the math.
For example:
I could go on but you get the point.
So here’s my Fairy Dust solution for Cheeto dust. Since fairy dust takes decades of hard-won experience to work, and Cheeto dust just needs a couch, a bag, and an unshakeable belief in your own genius, this isn’t a policy problem. It’s a hygiene problem. What we need isn’t policy. It’s a pressure washer, aimed squarely at Cheeto’s grip on Congress, until the orange finally rinses off — and we get our Guarana-and-quiet-winter-afternoon back.
I’ll drink to that. Guarana Zero, obviously. It’s still winter.
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