Blame it on Rio

Day 2: 11:05 AM continued

The purpose of a right cross is to surprise your opponent. Hit you with a punch from a direction you are not expecting and with any luck drop them to their knees if not knock them out. A week before we were to leave to pick up Con in California, I got a call from Liam. He wanted to know what I knew about his father’s one-million-dollar life insurance policy. I said  I knew that he had one it had been a bone of contention in their parents’ divorce and the last time his dad and I had spoken about it he had been trying to change the beneficiary of the policy from Delilah to him and his brother. Why? He explained that his mother had received a phone call from the broker who had issued the policy.  Someone was attempting to buy the policy and change the beneficiary. The transfer of beneficiaries required her signature as well. I told him I knew nothing about it, but I would call his dad, see what I could find out,

Conor was only too happy to discuss the situation. He explained, since his diagnosis, he had grown increasingly concerned about the fully vested one-million-dollar life insurance policy that named Delilah as the sole beneficiary. It had been taken out when the boys were small when his death would have caused a major upheaval in their life. The divorce, still on going and more bitter than ever and his own death foreseeable he wanted to make sure the boys, not Del, would benefit from the policy’s payout.“

I said “So why didn’t you just change beneficiaries on the policy.”

He replied “I tried that, but the broker told me that a change of beneficiaries required both my signature and Del’s. I knew she would not do that.”

“So how did you come up with the idea of selling of the policy?”

“Oh, people do that all the time.:”

“Well, I am not really smart with this stuff. Insurance and financial stuff are your bailiwick. But from what the boys tell me that the person who is buying the policy is not a company but an individual. What is going with that.”

“Oh, he is a friend of Lil’s.”

Growing wary I replied “Why are you trying to see the policy to a friend of Lilith instead of to a company that specializes in buying up folk’s insurance policies? Wouldn’t that have been easier.”

In a tone that suggested I had asked a very stupid question he said “Then Del would have found out. I would have needed her signature again. Lil said she had a wealthy former boyfriend who did this sort of thing all the time. He would buy the policy at a discount and take care of any legal problems that arose.”

I didn’t like how this sounded at all and asked “How would he get around changing the beneficiary? Wouldn’t he have the same problems that you had?”

“I asked him about that. He told me he did this thing all the time and that what typically happened is that in lieu of fighting a prolonged legal fight where only the lawyers make money a settlement is reached. He makes a little money off the policy, and everyone walks away happy.”

I blurt out “Didn’t that seem a little sleezy to you.”

“A little but at least it would keep Del from getting some of the payout.”

Concerned I say “Okay, how much was he going to pay you for the policy.”

“$500,000.”

“So, he was going to pay you one half of the value of the policy and what were you going to do with that money. You know Del has a lien on all of your bank accounts and would have put an attachment on the cash. How did you plan to get around that?”

He replied in a matter-of-fact tone “I was going to give it to Lil to hold onto and if I died before the divorce was settled, she promised to give it to the boys.”

Beginning to see a pattern I said “Oh. Let me ask you this. What happened to this deal? Did you ever get paid by Lil’s friend.”

“Oh no. We signed the papers assigning him the policy contingent upon him placing a claim on the policy. The insurance company denied him siting an injunction that Del had in place on the policy, so we tore up the contract.”

Curious I replied, “When did all this go down?”

“I can’t remember exactly. A couple of weeks ago maybe?”

The puzzle was complete, and I did not like the picture it displayed. Lil’s interest in Conor had died the minute the minute she could no longer shake any money from the tree. It was breathlessly heartbreaking. The woman my friend had called the love of his life was little more than a parasite. When there was nothing left to feed on, she left to find her next victim.

How could this have happened? Two and half years ago, my friend was living the life he had dreamed of since he was a boy. His home was in one of the most beautiful beach communities in the world where every night he could sit on his porch watching the sunset, hoping to see the miracle of the green flash. He had a job which was prestigious and offered him an opportunity for real wealth. More importantly he had a wife, who by all appearances loved him, and two boys who would fight over who would rush into a burning building to save him. He was the paragon of health, spending an hour almost every day swimming laps in the pool or in the surf just outside his door. 

His life was the fairytale I wanted. Or at least thought I wanted. But it was all an illusion. A piece of fiction. His marriage was a sham. Two people pretending that they loved each other until they could no longer put on a show for the rest of us. Façade gone, it revealed two combatants, locked in mortal combat, each one desperate to prove who was right and frantic to claim every spoil of war they could find. Their battlefield had cratered my friend’s life. It had taken his livelihood, his children, his health and thrust him into the arms of a siren whose song had shipwrecked him and left him to drown.

I had known for some time that there would be no happy ending to my friend’s ballad. Tragedy was inevitable. But this betrayal by Lil and facilitated by George’s indifference and neglect was beyond the pale.  How can a brother abandon a brother? I did not always love my brother Levi. He often infuriated me to the point where we would go months without speaking with each other. But if he needed my help, I would beat a path to his doorstep. How can anyone, let alone a woman who professes to be the love of your life, try to steal all your money, and then throw you to the curb when there is nothing left to steal

These are the stories of Greek myths and Russian novels. It should not be the story of the ending of your best friend’s life. I would love to say this adversity strengthened my resolve to help my friend and give him the best possible ending. And perhaps it did, later. But in the moment, hearing about Lil’s and George’s betrayal, and wondering how we got hear from the hope and glory of only a few years ago, broke me.

I did not tell Liam or Duke what had really happened with the insurance. It would only serve to throw gasoline on the bonfire of hate they already had for Lilith and make the job of extracting Con from her grip more contentious. I never confronted George about the type of man he was. He already knew.  Me letting him know that I knew would only be spitting in the wind.  Instead, I let it guide my expectations and plot my course more fully aware of the situation.

Con’s room at Eagles Rest was dominated by a king-sized bed he insisted on taking from his apartment. The room was small, maybe 12 x 10, and the bed made it difficult to maneuver as it ate up most of the available floor space. Opposite it was a gigantic fifty-five-inch television. Like the bed, no doubt a Costco purchase made after Del had left and salvaged from his apartment. The room was a mess. The floor was littered with various chargers for phone, iPad and laptop and clothes that he had discarded after wearing. There were candy bar wrappers strewn everywhere and a tray that contained the remnants of some past meal on the nightstand next to his bed.The small closet had more clothes on the floor than were hanging. The state of the room was not a surprise. Con had never taken to housekeeping. But his appearance was. A man who used to be spend more time in front of the mirror than super models, whose hair needed to exactly right before leaving the house was a mess. He was unshaven with a four-day beard. His hair looked dirty and was uncombed. He had visibly aged, looking more seventy-five than fifty-five. While his face had finally readjusted to his skull his eyes looked blank and confused.

It was a shock for me. But for the boys, it was far worse. The father they had last seen was young, vibrant, gregarious, and bold. The man they were seeing for the first time in almost two years had no resemblance to that person. In front of them was a zombie whose soul was slowly being leached away. It made them freeze as they entered the room. Even though they had been prepared to see an altered version of the man who guided them all their lives the reality blew every circuit breaker that governed them.  I understood. Dads are immortal to their children. Seeing that they are not, is 9.0 on the emotional Richter scale.

I said to Con in the most ebullient tone I could muster. “Buddy boy! We are here! How are you.”

He looked at me and with a disturbed look on his face replied, “You are late!”

I glanced at my watch. It was 8:30 in the morning. Exactly the time I had told him the night before we would be arriving. I said “No Con. We are right on time. Don’t you remember I told you would be here at 8:30 am last night? It’s 8:25. We are even here a bit early.”

“No, it’s not. It’s 11:30. I went downstairs at 8:30 and was waiting for you.” Pointing to his iWatch he said “See.” I looked and replied as kindly as I could “Buddy, the watch says 8:26.”

Con looked at his watch. Uncertainty rippled across his face. Then he laughed and said “I guess I was confused. That happens a lot these days.”

Had I not been in the same room with him I may have allowed myself a tear or two. This was my friend, my wingman in adventure and mischief, a man who in the past had no problem juggling three dates with three different women on the same day, getting confused over telling time. Instead, I changed the subject. I said, pointing to the boys “Look who I found hanging out on the street.”

Duke and Liam walked around me and for the first time in almost two years they hugged. It made me feel like an outsider. But not in a bad way. This was their tribe. Their relationship. I had mine with my father. A relationship that had always been good but had grown as we aged and understood better the man he was and the sacrifices he had made so I could be the man I wanted to be. A relationship that had reached its zenith when he had become ill, confined to a wheelchair when we used to hug like Con and his boys were hugging now. I wanted to tell the boys to savor every second of this hug. To rejoice in it because as I knew from my own well of sadness that when those embraces are gone, they will never be replaced.

We had breakfast in the dining room at Eagles Rest. It was a small room off the main lobby with about a dozen Formica topped tables for four and about half that for two. It was nearly empty when we entered. As Con explained, here most folks were finished with breakfast by eight. As we made our ways through the tables to one near the window looking out onto the courtyard, Con introduced us to some of his “friends.” They were all in their eighties, in various states of decline and treated us as if we were aliens visiting from a distant galaxy. Which I suppose, from their point of view, we were. It made me wonder, not for the first time whether or not placing a middle-aged man in the middle of a health crisis in a dormitory of death, was a good idea. Wasn’t there a place available where the focus was on moving forward and not giving in to the inevitable?

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

My friend did not need to be here. He should have been somewhere the default was waiting in the lobby for the grim reaper to pick you up. He could have been living with Liam or Duke or me. And he would have had it not been for Lil. Had not been for her, he would have been and Liam’s wedding. If not for that, his boys, not her, would have been in control of his health. The outcome might not have been different. A the very least the boys would have had more time with their dad and Con would have spent more time with those he loved instead of gradually fading into the Formica.  

Packing up Con’s room took surprisingly little time. With the exception of his oversized television and his king-sized bed, all he owned fit into two large boxes. Between Del returning to their apartment while Con had been on a business trip and shipping most of their possessions to their new home and Lil’s haphazard dissolution of his last apartment there was not much left. Just clothes that no longer fit and a few family photos. Less than three years earlier he had enough “stuff’ to fill a 4,000 square foot home. I found everything about this terribly depressing.

I am feeling my sadness overwhelm me when Liam taps me on the shoulder and says “Look what I found” and hande me a clear acrylic block with a black and white photograph embedded inside. It is of two young men about the same height, dressed identically with untucked Lacoste shirts, straight leg Levi corduroys, and Topsider boat shoes. The boy on the left, is very waspy looking and has long blonde hair and a leather thong around his neck. He is resting his arm on the other’s shoulder who is sporting aviator glasses and a six-inch Isro.  They are both staring into the middle distance with the semi-serious look young men wear when they want to be taken seriously.

I smile and laugh and say “Jesus! This is a picture of your old man and I that was taken right before we graduated high school. When I found a copy of it, I don’t know a dozen or so years ago, I had this made up and sent to him.” My voice trails off and I mumble “I can’t believe he still has it. I would have thought he lost it a couple of moves ago.”

The picture snaps me back to the mission at hand.  I am not here to get angry at anyone. It is not my job to judge anyone. It can’t be about regret. Not that I wouldn’t want to change things if I could but I cannot, so regret is useless.

I need to leave judgement, regret, and pity at the door. I need to remember the reason that we are here. Con needs us. If I spend my time judging Del, Lil, and George for what they have or have not done, relitigating a past I cannot change, or feeling sorry for myself I won’t be able to do one thing I am here to do which is to help Con with whatever he needs, everything beyond that is nothing but a waste of energy.

My phone buzzes. I look at the screen and see it is Lil calling me. Not wanting to have a conversation with her in front of Liam and Duke I stepped out into the hall. and say, “Hey Lil, whatup.”

“Hi Danny. Umm. I am downstairs in the courtyard. I know the boys are here and I don’t want to see them. Will you come downstairs and meet me? Please.”

The courtyard is  a large patio surrounded by different wings of the facility. It  . I find Lil sitting in a far corner of the courtyard in chairs that are facing away from the doors and looking towards the haze shrouded Pacific.

I say, “Hi Lil” and give her a kiss on the cheek before sitting down. She is dressed what my father would have called “full battle gear.” Her make-up is perfect in the way that stencils are perfect. She appears to have a flawless sun kissed complexion, with puffy red lips, and eyes that are shadowed well enough to appear in a Margret Keane painting. Her dress is brick red, form fitting with a plunging neckline that calls full attention to her surgically enhanced breasts.

She hands me a letter size manilla envelope and says “Connie gave me this to hold onto when he moved in here.”

The envelope is heavy, and I say, “What is it?”

Lil replies “It’s okay. You can look?”

I open the envelope and reach inside and pull out a Rolex Sea Dweller Deepsea with a stainless-steel band, and bezel and deep blue face. I say, “Isn’t the watch you bought Con when you two went to London together.”

She smiles ruefully and replies “Is that what he told you?”

“Yeah, he said that that he had taken you to Harrods to do some window shopping and were looking at watches for the hell of it and you surprised him by buying him this.” As a watch lover, but never wealthy enough to own a watch like this I add “He told me what you paid for this watch. It was like twelve grand. Don’t you want to keep it? You bought it after all.”

Lil chuckles and says “I didn’t buy him this watch. He bought it for himself.”

“What?”

“Yes. We were in London, and it was right after Del had all of his bank accounts frozen. You know how he was back then Danny. He wanted to do whatever he could to fight Del. Didn’t matter whether it was right or wrong. All that mattered was keeping money out of her hands. And that meant no liquid assets. No money that could be traced back to him. I don’t who gave him the idea, but someone suggested buying things that either didn’t go down in price or if they did it wasn’t by much. He decided to buy a watch. You know how he is about watches. We went to Harrods and bought the watch. Our cover story was that if anyone asked, I bought it for him.”

I was a little stunned. I thought Con always played it straight with me. I thought I knew all his secrets but obviously I did not and that stung a little. I looked over at Lil and mumbled “I thought Con told me everything.”

“He told me not to tell you. He said he wasn’t going to tell anyone who could be deposed.”

“Then why did he tell you?” I said with a little jealously creeping into my voice.

Lil held up her left hand showing me a ruby and diamond ring and said “We were engaged. If Del’s lawyer wanted to depose me, we would have claimed spousal privilege.”  

“Okay. I get it. But how did he get the money to pay for the watch without sending off alarms and flashing red lights to Delilah’s attorney? I thought they had him boxed.

Lil grinned “Oh he didn’t tell you about that either?” she said in a superior tone.

I replied, “Tell me what.”

“He had a secret bank account. One that he had been keeping from Del for years. He called it his “get on jail free” account. I think it had about one hundred and fifty grand in it. When Del’s lawyers started freezing his bank accounts and seizing the money. He cashed it out before they could get to it.”

I sat there in stunned silence. I knew none of this. This man had been my friend for decades, I had talked to him at least once a day since the beginning of the divorce. And I knew none of this. Lil must have seen the surprise on my face because she said “C’mon Danny. You can’t be surprised by all of this. You know how secretive and sneaky he could be.”

It was true. I used to joke with Con about his name. How he would love to play games with people. Whether that was pretending to be an Irish immigrant when picking up girls in bars so the fun they had together would be limited to one evening only. Or, back in the days when cocaine was king in New York, and he would buy for a group of us and skim a couple of grams for himself. But I thought that had faded with age. Now he was the guy that would say what he would do and do what he said. But clearly, I was wrong about that. Normally, I would have gotten in his face about this. Confront him with his lying to me. But that ship had sailed. Challenging him about anything now was worthless

I said “Yeah, I am surprised” and then with a fake chuckle “But not entirely astonished. It fits a pattern. So now he has all this cash that Del knows nothing about. He is trying to hide with physical things that can be located with a search of his financial records, or he can have some plausible deniability about. Do you know what he did with the rest of the money? I am not asking to be nosey. I just think the boys may want to know to pay some of his bills and things.”

Lil paused. It was clear from the look on her face that she was trying to decide whether to share the information with me or if I were cynical what lie to tell me. She says “Some of the money he used to buy diamonds. I think he spent like forty-five thousand dollars on them with a jeweler I know.   And the rest he gave to me to hold on to for him.”

“Would you mind me asking where the diamonds and the money are now. Honestly, I am not trying to be pushy, but the boys have some hefty bills coming up and if it can help them pay them it would be great.”

Lilith paused for a second and said “I don’t mind you asking. The diamonds were stolen.”

“What!?”

“Yeah, he kept them in a little safe he had in his apartment. If you remember right after he got out of rehab the first time we thought, that is he thought, he could live on his own the apartment with some assistance. It was a bad idea. I arranged to have someone come in and spend a few hours with him every day. A nice woman named Laetitia whose husband worked for me and did this type of work. She made sure that he took his meds, showered, and took care of himself, light cleaning and things like that. She was terrific and took good care of Con. Then one day she didn’t show up and it was shortly after that we discovered that the diamonds were missing.”

“Fuck. How did she know about the diamonds.”

“I don’t know. At the time Con was not making a lot of sense. You talked him then. There were times he was there and times he was on a different planet. He says he doesn’t know but I think he showed them to her for some reason or perhaps he had them out and she saw where he was keeping them. Who knows? “

“And of course, they were not insured because Del could then discover that he had them and was hiding money from him?”

“Yes. Which is also why we could not file a police report.”

“Fuckity, fuck fuck. So, what did you do?

“What could we do? I tracked down Laetitia. She claimed not to know anything about the diamonds. She told me that she quit because Con kept on asking for sex and her husband told her she had to quit.”

“Did you believe her?”

Lil shrugs and says” Who knows? I had nothing to prove it so I had let it go. But not before I fired her husband.”

“Jesus. What a fucking mess.” We did not say anything for a few moments. What was there to say? Did I believe Lil? Yes, I believed her about the diamonds and the watch. I had no doubt that Con had done what he could to hide things from Del. He had been at war with her and she with him. The rule book for propriety and doing the right thing, as far as he was concerned, had been tossed the minute she had walked out the door. He would not lose this fight. Did I believe Lil about the diamonds being stolen? I wanted to. But I could not. Not after the insurance. Not after abandoning my friend after promising undying love. It made a plausible story seem unlikely which made my next question both more difficult and a necessity.

I said“Lil, is there anything left. I don’t mean it to sound that way. I don’t mean to be pushy or question you, but the boys will ask, and I would like to have an answer for them.”

Lil’s face hardened. A muscle just below her left eye twitched ever so slightly. She said “If you are asking if there is any cash left, there isn’t. Between paying for this place and all of Con’s other expenses it has all been spent.” She hesitated for a moment and then added with a bit more defiance than I thought necessary “And if you don’t believe me, ask George. He has been managing all of Con’s other expenses.”

This was a path that led nowhere. George relied on her for information. GIGO. Garbage in garbage out.  If she was lying, which was likely, there would be no way to prove it.

 I said “Let me change the subject. How are you doing? I know this has been hard on you. And him leaving isn’t the outcome you had hoped for?”

Lil visibly relaxed and proceeded to go on at length at what sacrifices she had made for Con. How demanding it had been. How demanding he had been. That she had found her “true love” and how now she was losing him. That she was living in a tragedy worthy of a Mexican telenovela. After a few sentences, I stopped listening.  Her words were white noise. This was not her tragedy and everything she was saying, as far as I was concerned, were as hollow as a prostitute’s promises.

I had enough of Lilith. My ability to remain polite was waning if not already at end. I said “Lilith, would you like to come up and see Con.

“Are the boys up there?”

“When I left, they were. They were packing up the room. Not that there was much to pack.”

She contemplated it for a second and replied “I do not want to see them. I will come back later to say goodbye to Connie.”

Lil never saw Con again. She did not visit him that night. She did not visit him in Carolina. She had gotten what she wanted from him and when there was nothing left, she disposed of him of like an unwanted household item, placed him on the curb hoping someone would come along and pick him up. Whether she really was the devil’s bride before she met my friend or whether circumstances had created her, I will never know. It did not matter. I did not care. She was what she was, and I never needed to deal with her again.

Day 2: 11:05 AM

King David wrote about a Polynesian named Hawaii’I Loa.

He was the fisherman responsible for feeding his village. He would take his long canoe or wa’a, a vessel that was sixty feet long and a had depth up to man’s chest, on long fishing trips that roamed the Pacific. These trips could last weeks, months or even a year.   One day, his navigator, a man by the name of Makai’s, suggested they steer in the direction of Lao, the eastern star, to find new land. Using that and a star called Hoku, the red star, and a constellation that was shaped like a bird, they eventually made their way to the big island of Hawaii which is named in his honor.

Their trip was over twenty-five hundred miles across the largest ocean in the world. A body of water that had no land masses to guide them or resupply along the way and was prone to typhoons. This all happened sometime between one hundred AD to 1100 AD. A time when the European’s had only managed to conquer the Mediterranean a body of water 1/60^th the size of the Pacific in boats that were four times as big.

Compare this to today when many cannot make their way to the supermarket without Waze or if you really wanted to get them lost you would give them a map. Perhaps I sound elderly here, which I am not, but sometimes the truth is harsh.

And by the way, this one is not a one off. One lucky shot and done. Hawai’I Loa found his way back to Polynesia and became the island’s first real estate salesperson. He convinced a generation of Pacific Islanders to pack up their chickens, pigs, dogs, and breadfruit plants and come to this new paradise.

I am thinking of Hawaii’I Loa because I am lost! Lost is too harsh a word. I have a good directional bump. I almost always know where I am and can figure out how to get where I am going. Which is why instead of backtracking on the trail that brought me to the rainbow cove I decided to be adventuresome and take a different route.  I know where I am. It is on the map I was given at reception. There is only one promontory that has a vista pretty enough for a postcard and this particular view of Molokai and Lanai. I am not lost, I am just not where I I wanted to be.  I even know where I went wrong. But to find my way back home I still need to plunge into the jungle and hope this time I will not miss the path I am supposed to be on.

Which when you think about might be the story of my life.

It is late October of 2019, and I am in the front seat of a Black Chevy Tahoe driving through the gates of Horizons. It is a community designed to accommodate seniors (lord I hate that term, but it is better than elderly) from retirement to last gasp. For the recently retired it contains modest homes for those who are looking to downsize their living arrangements. When the burden for caring for a home has become too much there are apartments. And, when your medical issues overwhelm all other problems in your life, there is an assisted living and care facility. In other words, it is the last community you will ever have to join. On the positive side, this is no dormitory of death but more a campus for those whose expiration date is nearing.  While I have no desire to live in a place like this, I am impressed by what I see.

I turn to Liam who is sitting in the back seat, next to his dad, and say to him with a touch of awe “How did you find this place? Especially in such a short period of time.”

Liam smiles at the compliment, his boy like features breaking into a grin. He replies “I did a bunch of research. And Hadley’s mom has friends who are on the board of this place. They gave us a tour and it looked great.” Looking over at his wife, who at a little over five-foot, petite, looks incongruous driving this vehicle large enough for a helipad, chuckles and says “We liked it so much we almost moved in.”

I looked over at my friend Con who had been quiet for most of the drive from Charlotte Airport and say, “What do you think budrow?”  He replies, somewhat grouchily “Let’s see when we get to where I will be living.” I did not mind the grouchiness. I understood. It had been a long flight from L.A., a place where only two years ago he had been sitting on top of the world. Abandoned by a woman who had professed unending love for him he was heading to a place where, more likely than not, he would die. It was one of those moments in life where you wonder how you got here.

For me it had begun a little over three weeks before.

My typical weekday routine, when Nadine is not in residence, is to get up at around six am and immediately go to my desk and write. Some people meditate to sort out their life, I write. It allows me to exorcise with keystrokes what mantras do for others. With interruptions for Fenway’s morning dew drop and perhaps breakfast, I work steadily until 9 am when I need to focus my efforts on my workday. I work until my brain misfires and my eyes blur from too much blue light. To recharge, and allow for additional calorie consumption later, I head to Equinox gym. It serves as more than a place to build muscles and cardio capacity. It is the only time during the day where I have any interaction with other people. I am on a first name basis with the trainers, front desk staff and many of the people who worked out there. It is the office water cooler community I miss from the days when I worked in an office.

At the gym I make it a practice not to respond to texts, emails, or phone calls. My phone’s only function is to listen to music or perhaps an audiobook. I do not understand why so many people at the gym practiced downward facing Apple (stretching while staring down at their screen) or spend an inordinate amount of time between reps on their screen texting or answering emails. Isn’t this a place where you go to get away from the grind.  Besides, it is rude monopolizing floor space and machine time. You don’t own the equipment and there are better places to take selfies.  I rarely answered my phone if it rang. The only exception was Mom called as the only time she called was for emergencies. (Or what to her emergencies were emergencies which could include things like the printer ink being low or a light bulb needing replacement. Regardless, they needed to be dealt with or I would suffer the consequences) In recent months I had added Con to my answer list. While technically his brain tumor was in remission, we all knew that this was a pit stop. He was alone most of the time with nothing to think about except death and what lay beyond. If he called, even if we had talked a couple of times that  day, I gave up “my” time for him.

I was on the Stairmaster, about midway through my one hundred and thirty-nine floor climb of the Petronas Tower when my phone buzzed. The screen displayed “Lilith.” Ugh. I have no desire to speak with her, but this could be about Con. Something might have happened to him. I touch my right ear bud and answer my phone with “Hi Lil. What’s going on?”

She replied with the false bonhomie of a telephone salesperson “Hey I hope I am not interrupting anything, but do you have a minute to talk.”

I knew from my daily conversations with Conor his relationship with Lil had been rocky of late. He felt neglected. She was not visiting him enough. Despite the fact that she had volunteered to be his primary care giver, and lived just two miles from Eagles Rest, days would go by without a visit. Conor was lonely and scared. Who would not be in this situation? This was made worse by the fact that his universe of friends had been whittled down to three people. Lil, myself, and his brother George. It was a bed of his making for sure but Lil had supplied the mattress and Del the sheets. It was Lil who had made going to Liam’s wedding a line he felt he could not cross. He should have ignored her, but she manipulated him. It had alienated his boys. His friends, other than me, had largely disappeared with his divorce. Del had one the P.R. battle and the ones who stood by him, most of whom were at the wedding, were appalled by his lack of attendance and by Del’s fanning of that flame, they were no longer speaking with him. This put a huge amount of pressure on Lil to be Conor’s everything.

I had little if any sympathy for her. This had been her game plan all along. Conor’s only focus should be her at the exclusion of all others. She just had not counted on his getting brain cancer and him being his primary care giver. Man plans, God laughs.

I knew she was not calling to have a casual conversation. She did not care for me enough for touching base. There was something on her mind. I replied “Sure. But can I call you back in two minutes? I am at the gym and want to get somewhere we can speak more freely.”

I escaped to my car in Equinox’s parking lot and Facetimed Lil.  When she picked it up, I could see that despite the early hour in California she was ready to start her day. Her hair freshly blown dried and styled. Make up immaculately if not excessively done. Her surgically enhanced lips brightened by a fresh glossing of dark pink lipstick. It was not to my taste, but she was not my girlfriend. I said. Hi Lil. You look exceptionally pretty today.”

She said “Thanks Danny.  I am heading into Beverly Hills with my daughter, but we have a few minutes to speak.” She paused, a pensive look crossing her face, and said “I just got off the phone with George.”

“Oh.  what did he have to say?”

“No, I called him.” Another pause and then continued. “I called to tell him that I cannot do it anymore.” Another pause, no doubt to give me time to ask what she could not do anymore but I remained quiet, so she went on. “I cannot continue to take care of Con anymore. He is too needy. He calls me at all hours of day and night and wants me to do things for him or come over or just talk. And if it isn’t him calling, it is Eagles Rest. He has done something, or they have a question about his care. Then there are the Dr’s appointments. Every week he needs to see his oncologist or another Dr. He cannot go by himself. I have to do it. It is taking way too much of my time. My relationship with my kids is suffering. I am not giving enough attention to my business. I am exhausted 100% of the time. I am fried. I can’t go on anymore.”

I was not shocked by Lil’s declaration.  Being a caregiver is not for the faint of heart.  I had been a primary care giver to my father for years before his death and was doing the same for my mother. Dad could be exacting but was always grateful for what I was doing and often worried that I was doing too much. He did not want me to put my life on hold for him. Mom, while much more demanding, and infuriating, but she too was always grateful. Con on the other hand was Con. If you gave him an inch, he needed two more. You had to be able to step away and say no. This was not easy in the best of times, let alone now. 

I sympathetically said “I get it. Con can be a real pain in the ass. I feel for you. I really do. When I was taking care of my dad, there were days all I wanted to do was come home and dive into a bottle of bourbon. And the only responsibility I had was to Mac and Fennie. I can’t imagine what it would be like with kids. Can I help? Do you want me to come out there for a few weeks and spell you? It would be a challenge, but I think I could figure it out.”

“No Danny. You don’t get it. I am done. I am not going to do it anymore. I told George come Thanksgiving Con is someone else’s responsibility.”

I went silent. This was a woman who had declared undying love for my best friend. Who had insisted she be the lone star in my buddy’s universet to the point she had forbidden telling me and his children of his diagnosis. The person who had insisted, demanded in fact, that she be the primary, if not the solitary care giver of Con when he got sick.  Who played with sharp elbows when anybody else wanted to get involved or had a suggestion about better treatment? Did she think Con was a rescued pet who didn’t work out? Just return him to the shelter, they will find someone else to adopt him.

Not giving up, especially when things get hard. Saying what you are going to do and doing what you say. Showing up. All of those things are now a part of my DNA. Sometimes even to my detriment, especially when dealing with no win situations such as relationships have gone south and businesses that were born to fail. But I still believed in the philosophy, and I could not understand why everyone did not share it. The sad truth is most people don’t and when they revealed that side to me, it  made me think less of them.

Being the primary caregiver to both my parents was an education. It is tough, often thankless blackhole of emotional reserves and time. You are dealing with sick people who are contemplating the great void when they are not suffering the agonies of their disease. It made them, depending at the moment in time, scared, angry and self-indulgent or a combination of the above. You had to rise above all that and remember that you are the lucky one. You are not sick, infirm, or suffering. They are. Whatever the hell they are putting you through at that moment of time they will always have it worse than you. Making that emotional leap of faith and summoning whatever inner strength you need to remain calm is not in everyone’s toolkit. My brother Levi did not have or chose to develop those skills. He wanted none of it and left the caregiving to my sister and me. It angered and frustrated me. I felt he was shirking a responsibility not only to Mom and Dad and all they had done for him but to Lotte and me. I thought him selfish if not narcissistic. It took time, and a lot of soul searching to realize he did not help, at least in part, because he had no capacity for it. While his lack of help infuriated me at least he didn’t make promises that he could not keep. 

My inner voice screamed “ You said that you loved this man. You said that you would take care of him. You made him choose between his family and you and now you are saying none of that matters because it is too tough. Fuck you for wrecking this man’s life and then abandoning him when he needs you the most. You heartless bitch.” 

Lil said “Danny?” Letting loose my inner screams would not help the situation. My anger turned cold. I replied without emotion “I understand Lil. Let me get on this and I will get back to you when we have plan” and clicked off.

I reached the point in the path where I had gone awry. It was an obvious mistake. The path had split with one trail leading to the cliff and the other heading back to the hotel. When I had come to the fork in the path, I assumed that the more defined trail was the right path. As it turns out that was misguided. The path that was well traveled led me to the cliff, not a bad destination, the view was phenomenal, but not the one that would take me to where I needed to be.

When I had been told of Con’s illness, he had begged me not to tell Liam and Duke. Lilith had told him that if his children were in his life, she would not be. If I shared the news of his cancer with them, they almost certainly want to communicate with him. This would have been especially true of Duke. Not only was he just down the road in Pasadena getting his doctorate at Cal Tech but his single mindedness, exacerbated by his bi-polar disorder, would have compelled him to reach out to his dad if not to visit. I suffered with the decision about telling them. They needed to know. It was their dad. And, I knew, even with Conor’s candy coating of his prognosis, he was dying. How awful would it be if one day they received a phone call, out of the blue, saying “Your father has died from brain cancer. He has been sick for months and I have known for months and not told you at his request.” I would be denying them the chance to say goodbye to their father, to forgive and be forgiven. It would cause incalculable psychic trauma. They would also never forgive me just as I found it hard to forgive Lil and George for their silence when Con was idiagnosed.

Despite all this I decided not to tell the boys. This was Con’s story to tell. Not mine. Besides I felt if I told the boys, not only would they be shut out of Con’s life but so would I. The only people left to care for my friend would be Lilith, whom I did not like and did not trust, and George who had been eager not to be involved in Con’s care. My being present was better than having no one in his corner and he would make sure my friend

That was the right decision. Now I had to pay the price for going down that path. I had to call them and tell them that their father had terminal brain cancer, that I had known for months, had not told them, the woman who had destroyed their relationship with their dad was now abandoning him, and we had to figure out a way to get him the care that he needed. And, I had to do it right now. There was no time for me to build up the courage for this conversation. We had three weeks to make this all happen.

I sent them a text asking to speak to them via Zoom and after a minimum of back and forth we agreed to speak late that afternoon. I spent the hours between when we agreed to meet and when we started our Zoom call agonizing over how to break the news to them. How to share with them that their favorite Uncle had been deceiving them, if not outright lying to them. Not about a little thing, such as having highly embarrassing videos on the internet or being a metahuman, but about their father having terminal cancer and denying them time with him when there was not much time left.

I called Nadine, who was in Brazil for the monthShe was outraged and horrified but not surprised by Lil’s decision. She said in her beautiful Brazilian Portuguese accent “You know my darling; I have always thought she was piranha. (Not meaning the fish but what Brazilian’s call vulgar women and prostitutes) she has no use for him any longer, so she throws him away.” She suggested that I be direct with my nephews. Give them the news about their father’s illness as straight and as matter of fact as I could. No hedging. Not bullshit. Be honest about why you had not shared the news with them sooner and apologize for making that decision. If it was a mistake, you take full responsibility, but you made the best decision you could make at the time. 

Three weeks later, we were pulling into Horizons. Liam and Duke had been incredibly angry. But thankfully not at me. They reserved most of their fury for Lil. While I had not shared the news about their old man’s illness and should have, they could move past as I had never stopped showing up for them and they were both smart enough to understand that I had been caught between a rock and a hard place. Lil though, had purposefully driven a wedge between them and their dad, but when the going got tough she got going. How do you abandon a person when you need them the most? But they never thought much of her to begin with, so it was just another brick in the wall of hatred they had built for her.

But Lil was not the only person they directed their anger at. Their Uncle George shared the podium with her. He had enabled the whole situation. He had given Lil medical power of attorney without hesitation. He hadn’t even considered taking it on himself or consulting with his nephews. He was not looking for Con’s best interest. He was thinking about himself. Taking care of Con was a burden he wanted no part of. He was so frightened he would be saddled with the care of his brother that he was willing to give it to anyone. Even a woman he had never met. The fact he had not even bothered to call them to discuss it and had bent to Lil’s will and not even called them to discuss it was an unforgiveable sin.

Part of what fueled their anger towards George and Lil was the disease that was in the process of killing their father. If we are fortunate enough to have parents who cherish and nourish us enough, we believe that they will always be there for us. It makes us feel safe. If they are around, nothing bad can happen to us. That does not mean we cannot be angry or frustrated with them. It does not mean we don’t want to have anything to do with them for a while or think them irrevocable and intractable idiots.  But as long as they are around, we have a safety net as we do our highwire act of living. Losing that, or the knowledge you soon will, strikes a primal fear that goes soul deep.

It was this anger that powered the day. Duke and Liam had their reasons for being upset with Con. He had after all abandoned them for this “piranha.” But the fear of losing him, without forgiveness or a goodbye was greater than the anger he had abandoned him.

It was quickly decided that Con staying at Eagle’s Rest was untenable. Not only would it leave him near Lilith, but Duke did not have the bandwidth to care for his father. His doctoral studies ate up a huge amount of time. Much of the rest was take up with his side gig, tutoring high school students in math and science which paid his bill. He was also a bi-polar, alcoholic. Those diseases meant he could not be counted on to provide the care and companionship Con required. This could have been contentious but thankfully it was not. Duke, who seemed sharp and not manic, knew his limitations, and volunteered that making him the primary care giver of his dad would be in no one’s best interest. Liam, who had a stable home life, a good job would have to be the primary care giver. But Liam lived in Charlotte which presented its own set of problems including transporting Con across country, finding a facility for him to live in and new physicians to treat his glioblastoma. All within Lil’s three-week timeline.

I took on the transportation problem. I was, at the time, Executive Platinum on American Airlines, with over three million miles flown. I had a bunch of miles banked and knew how to manipulate the system enough that our flight across country would be as hassle free as possible. I suggest that we all fly first class. This was not just for comfort.  Con was altered. He had a hard time getting around. He wore an adult diaper as his continence could not always be counted on. Finally, first class had a two-by-two configuration as opposed to a three by three in the back of the airplane. This meant we wouldn’t subject any other person if Con had a sudden outburst because he was confused or upset to be leaving Lil and California. I would use miles to upgrade Con and myself. Liam would pay for Con’s ticket and his own.

The next challenge was the when. We had a deadline, but we all had our own schedule. Once we determined when we could get there, we needed to figure out how many days it would take on the ground to get everything accomplished. It was more than just picking Con up and putting him on the plane. He had things in storage that needed to be sorted through and either tossed or distributed and shipped. Appointments needed to be made with all of Con’s various physicians. Not only did we need his medical records but Liam, as the primary caregiver, needed to have a full understanding of his father’s condition. The biggest challenge to that was getting their names and contact information from Lil. The boys had no desire to talk to her. For that matter, neither did I. How do you abandon a person you love when they needed you the most? Time had only hardened my feelings on that front. But as I was the only one of us who had a relationship with her, I volunteered to speak with her. Once we had all of that information, Liam could arrange appointments and we could schedule our appointments around that information.

We arrived in California on the night of Wednesday October 23. Thursday would be spent with Dr’s visits. Friday we would take an early morning flight to Charlotte and get him installed in his new facility. We thought we had things all sewed up. Of course, we didn’t. What was it that Mike Tyson said? Every plan is perfect until you get punched in the nose. We were hit with both a jab and a right cross that came out of nowhere.

The jab came from George. He held Con’s power of attorney not just for medical but for also for all of his financial affairs.  An attorney friend of Liam had suggested that George sign a release giving up his rights and abilities under the current power of attorney. It was a belt and suspenders sort of thing as a new power of attorney would automatically invalidate the previous one but better to stop a disagreement before it happens. It was especially important considering Con’s mental state. It could easily be argued that a person who had some of his brain removed was not medically competent to sign a new power. The boys asked me to set up a meeting with George to discuss the legal issues and discuss Con’s finances. They needed to know how they were going to pay for Con’s care.

I thought this would be simple. I will arrange the meeting. We would all have a kumbaya moment and we would move on. Needless to say, it did not go as planned. It started off pleasantly. Liam and Duke were polite to their blood uncle who they had only met on a handful of occasions. They explained why they wanted to have the previous powers legally rescinded, and George readily agreed. Things went south when they began to discuss Con’s finances. George was evasive. He had few answers to their questions. It turns out while he was only nominally in charge of his brother’s finances, he had almost nothing to do with them. Lilith was handling all that. He suggested we talk to her.

This struck a raw nerve with the boys. Not only was there no love lost for her because of the wedding but they could not understand how their Uncle George could just turn over his brother’s finances to someone he had never met. When Duke and then Liam aggressively questioned him on not supervising his brain damaged and often confused brother’s finances the conversation took an ugly turn. Much of this was Duke’s fault. His disease and intellect combined to hurl insults and that were cutting and spot on in terms of accuracy. Had I been in George’s position I would have felt foolish, embarrassed, and disrespected. After a few minutes of Duke’s abuse, with Liam adding his two cents, he told the boys that they were “ungrateful little shits,” “He understood exactly why Lilith thought they were “fucktards”, and he was “ashamed to be their uncle” and hung up the phone on them.

I met George in the city for coffee a few days later. I wanted to see if I could patch up the differences between him and his nephews. Considering Conor’s condition, I did not think they should be fighting. I hoped that I could get him to understand that if he had been in a similar situation, cut out of their father’s life by a woman they did not know, then finding out that he had terminal cancer and they had not been told for months by this woman and uncle, he too would be wearing his emotions on his sleeve. That it might make him say things that were pointed, impolitic, rude, and obnoxious. He should forgive them. He did not. He thought the disrespect shown to him was beyond forgiveness. What I wanted to say to him that his willingness to turn over all responsibility of his brother’s care to a stranger, not reaching out to his nephews or me and letting us know of Con’s cancer because Lil had decreed was beyond forgiveness. It was wrong on every conceivable level. I didn’t. Burning bridges with him would only make things worse. Besides, I needed him to sign the revocations to Conor’s power of attorney. When  he did and we parted without him ever knowing what contempt I had for him.

Chapter 7: Day 2: 9:05 AM continued

The world dimmed out for a second. Con was still talking but I could not process anything he was saying. When the world blinked back into the present, my mind was as fractured as Con’s. I wanted to ask him dozens of questions all at once: what kind of cancer it was, was it treatable, what is the prognosis.” But I could not get them out. All I could muster was “Oh shit, Con. I am sorry.”

For the next hour, Conor, in disjointed thoughts, non sequiturs and mangled sentences, managed to explain what had transpired since our last conversation. When he had ended our call, he decided that he could not make it to Lil’s house and headed back to his apartment. His next unaided memory is waking up in the hospital. From what Lil told him he must of passed out when he got home because he never called to let her know that he was not coming over. Alarmed when he had not called in a day she went to his apartment and found him unconscious on his bed. She called the paramedics. The Doctors ordered a head X-ray to eliminate the possibility that he had fallen and fractured his skull and a tox screen to rule out drugs. Tox screen was negative, but the X-Ray had some abnormalities. An MRI was ordered and it showed a lemon sized tumor on his left frontal lobe. Within days and after a  series of exams to determine the true dimensions of the tumor, his neurosurgeon removed as much of the tumor as he could without damaging his healthy brain tissue.  A biopsy was done and he was diagnosed with glioblastoma.

When he told me this my heart skipped a beat. The first real kiss I ever had was with Lynn Cavan. I had been at a dance at the Oak Knoll School of the Holy Child, a Catholic Girls school in Summit and had been introduced to her by a mutual friend. We danced and eventually a slow song came along and the next thing I knew we were kissing. It was revelatory, mind blowing and is permanently etched in my memory so that I can recall every moment of it. Nothing ever came of that kiss but we remained acquaintances if not friends through high school, college and beyond. When Facebook became popular we connected. Five years ago, she posted she had been diagnosed with glioblastoma. Three months later she was dead. My guts turned liquid. I wanted to throw up. I took a beat and said “Con, you know I would have been on an airplane in a moment had I known this was going on. Why didn’t someone call?”

“I asked Lil to call you, but she said that you would get me all stirred up and she didn’t think that was a good idea.”

“Did she call anyone?”

“She called my brother George because he is next of kin but other than that no one.”

“She didn’t call Liam or Duke? Did George call them? “

“Not that I know of.”

“Dude, not calling me is one thing. I mean it pisses me off and was wrong. But not calling your boys is a whole new level of wrong. If Lil harbors a grudge against them that is one thing. But George should have called them. Them not knowing…fuck. Do you want me to talk to the boys?” 

“No. No. Don’t do that. You know that Lil thinks that they are horrible. And she has been so good to me. She has been here every day. She has managed the Dr’s and just everything. She has even slept here. She is the only one taking care of me. If you get them involved, she will be out.”

I am still reeling from the news but the idea that Liam and Duke are being kept in the dark about their father’s cancer does not sit well with me. But it is more than that. The idea of Lilith being the gate keeper to Con, the one who is deciding who sees him and who does not, horrifies me. This is the woman who created the wedding crisis, which over time I have come to believe is part of a deeper psychological problem. The only star Lilith wants in Con’s universe is hers. She wants to control him. I am sure, sitting here, in my dark bedroom, at an hour where even the owls are asleep, that the only reason that George was called was not altruism. George was called as next of kin. Nothing medical could be done for Con without his permission.

As much as I want to point this out to Con right now, it is not the right time. You do not fight a rip current; you swim with it until you can figure out a way to break free. Right now, I have too many questions for my friend. How are they going to treat the disease? Even though I think that I know, what is the prognosis? When are they planning to release him from the hospital? Where is he going to live? Who is going to take care of him? But I do not get a chance to ask any of them as my friend is on a different subject. He is rambling on about a fight he had with a robot that was in his room taking care of him. It is a long, detailed story that makes absolutely no sense. It is clear the friend that I knew is gone forever. Forever altered by the diseases that is slowly, inalterably, subsuming his being. It is all too much for me to take in and I need some time to make sense of it all. When he finishes his story, I remind him of how late it is and how I need to work the next day.

I say “Listen my friend, I have to get some rest. And you should too. I need to sort my life out, but I will come and visit you in the next few weeks. I will call you later today and let you know when. Okay?”

“Hey, yeah. I forgot how late it is there. I am so sorry.”

“No worries. I am glad you called…”

“Yeah, yeah. Call me later.”

“I love you man.” 

The phone goes silent. Unfortunately, my mind does not. I am juggling emotions like a side show performer. I am angry. Not just at Lil and George from keeping Duke, Liam and me in the dark about Con’s illness but at myself. I spent weeks being angry at Con for the perceived slight of not calling me back or returning my calls instead of having faith in our friendship. He would have called had he been able. I should have questioned more. Dug harder. Been a better friend. That does assuage my anger at Lil and George. Lil wanted control of Con and George gave it to her because it was the easy thing to do. They did that knowingly and that is an indelible stain on them. That is undeniable. It is also incontrovertible that while my doubts may have been fostered by them, no one but me.

What is to become of Con? I know, even without him telling me, how sick he really is. From the bitter experience of taking care of my Dad I knew that they do not allow neurological patients to just walk out of the hospital. You cannot care for yourself. You have to let your injuries heal. Someone has to help you shower, to go to the bathroom. Where are they going to send him to rehab? These places are depressing and often resemble thinly camouflaged dormitories of death. Will Lil be able to handle keeping his spirits up and moving towards the best possible outcome?

Glioblastoma does not have good outcomes. Survival rates are minimal. Survival times measured in weeks and months not years. Will it be chemo or radiation? Both? Are there new treatments that will help? Is he in the right place to get the best treatment?

And what about the boys? Don’t they deserve to know? Should I tell them? Do I have the right to tell them? What happens if I tell them, and Lil locks me out? By accepting the condition of not telling them am I doing just the thing that I despise Lil and George doing to me?

It is a whirlpool of emotions, questions, and problems that I am only beginning to know. I cannot break free from it. I just keep going around and around again in circles until I begin to see the first whisperings of dawn out my window. It is a new day in every sense of the word. I decided that despite my lack of sleep I need to face it. Really, what choice do I have?

PiWhole Donuts is a very California bakery on Manhattan Blvd, in Manhattan Beach California. Started by a CalTech mathematician and her husband, it makes donuts that you will not find anywhere else. Which makes it exceedingly difficult for people such as me who have never been there before to decide about what to order. Their maple bacon bar looks amazing as does their “Thank You Very Much,” its tribute to Elvis, which combines bananas, bacon and peanut butter.  Others such as their Black Hole (licorice filled) and Sacre Blue a blue cheese filled confection far less so. I play it safe eventually and order a Tres leches, a Walt Whitman (Captain Crunch infused), and a Yogi Bear (Jelly filled) with a couple of coffees and bring them out to the adjacent plaza where Conor sits in his wheelchair waiting for me.

This is my third trip to California to visit since the night I found out about his illness. After forty years of friendship, I did not feel I could “dial” it in. Phone calls and Skype would have been far easier. Saved me a ton of time and money. And, it would have been far more consistent with Nadine and my mother’s advice. They did not like me going not because they did not care for Con. They did. But they lived with the aftermath of our visits. All of which left a mark on me emotionally and physically. Seeing your brother in all but blood slowly diminish is not for the faint of heart. It leaves wounds seen and unseen that do not heal easily and are only tolerated when you realize that your suffering is nothing compared to your friend.  Also, there is no doubt  Lilith would have been happier if I had stayed away. It fit her narrative of me far better. She only tolerated my visits because Con insisted.  But in words and deeds she did not make me feel welcome. She viewed me as a direct threat to her control of Con. All I could do was smile and play nicely. She was Con’s gatekeeper and even though she made me feel as welcome as a liquor salesman at an AA meeting I lived with it because friends show up.

This morning, I picked up Con at his new rehab center. It was his third since he had begun his journey with cancer. The first facility he was sent after his discharge from the hospital was little more than a converted no tell motel, bought by an ambitious entrepreneur and converted into a facility for the extremely sick and nearly dead. A dormitory of death. He had been greeted in the lobby by a morbidly obese administrator whose white shirt was wrinkled and stained along with a cadre of patients in wheelchairs who looked at him as if he was lunch. He said his room contained a single hospital bed that was probably new in the ‘80s, a chipped nightstand and a closet so small that to enter it you would have to turn sideways. Lil, who had escorted him to this place, had done her best to convince him that it was okay. He had listened to her but the moment she left he ordered an Uber and went back to the hospital who were forced to readmit him.

The second place he was sent, and the first place I visited him, was a lock down unit at a facility called Eagles Rest. It was located in Hermosa Beach, newly built, and resembled a boutique luxury hotel. That all disappeared the minute you entered their neurological unit. All visitors needed to be approved by next of skin and present an ID to the staff before entering. When you were buzzed in the door audibly locked behind you. New visitors were told that when we wanted to leave, we had to ring a buzzer and we would be buzzed out. Patients were allowed off the floor with advance notice and approval of their physician and next of kin. It was a prison for the infirm and intimidating as hell but considering my friend’s penchant for escape and cognitive challenges, required. That he was impaired was without question. Conversations with him were, at the time, an exercise in patience. Often, they would ricochet from subject to subject. He had blank spots in his short-term memory and often could not remember what he had done twenty minutes ago but could remember a conversation we had in high school.

Visiting people, you love in places like Eagle Nest is an assault on your emotions. There is no way to avoid the people here who are desperately ill, in most cases dying. The conclusion of life, the frailty of our existence is something that we store in the cubbyhole of our brain that is furthest from our awareness. Here it slaps you in the face. It turns into a gut punch when the person you are visiting has been a part of your life, your closest friend since you were children and is still relatively young. This was compounded in Conor’s case by the fact he did not look like himself. His face seemed to fit on his skull like a latex mask on trick or treaters during Halloween. He had explained, in horrific detail, that in order not to leave a gaping scar across his forehead and scalp they had peeled back the skin on his face. “Just like in Face Off” he had proudly declared adding that the Doctor had told him that it would return to normal in a few months.

I remember calling Nadine and my mother that evening and trying to explain what it was that I was feeling. It is one thing knowing something intellectually “Oh, my friend has brain cancer.” It is quite another thing to see him amongst the living dead with his face draped on his skull like a towel. I broke down sobbing in both cases. What had happened to Con over the last few years since Delilah had left him, had seemed so unfair, cruel and sad. My friend, the golden boy, the one who had everything that I would have wished for in a life, good looks, charisma and charm, a lucrative and successful career, a beautiful wife and two exceptional sons who adored, if not idolized, had been stripped of everything. He was alone, broke and dying.  

It is human nature to look for someone to blame in this situation. I know I did. I blamed Delilah. Not because she had decided to divorce Conor. In retrospect, their marriage had been held together with bubble gum and duct tape for decades. There was no doubt in my mind, despite his denials that Con had stepped out of his marriage on more than one occasion, but so had she. That combined with her desire to live the life of a fifties stay at home Mom when Con was expecting a partner, had doomed the marriage. But she did not have to wage a war against him. Instead of Pearl Harboring him with her departure she could have sought counseling to end the marriage peacefully. Instead of aggressively attacking him in court, garnishing his wages, and filing multiple subpoenas against his company that eventually cost him his job, they could have hired an arbitrator to split the marital assets. She could have explained to her boys that empty nesters divorce at an alarming rate instead of poisoning them with stories of their father’s infidelity while conveniently not mentioning her own.

Del caused Con’s cancer. I know that sounds crazy. Perhaps it is. But I have my reasons. Shortly after we graduated college, Con’s Dad, Conor Sr. was fired from the privately held brokerage firm he had been running for thirty years. One of the major stockholders, the chairman of the board, wanted his newly minted Wharton MBA son to replace Conor Sr. As I heard the story from Con this had devastated his father as he had built the company from a private investment firm that no one had ever heard of before to a well-regarded medium-sized company that continued to show impressive year-over-year growth. Mr. Kennedy sued the company. The company counter sued and began spreading unflattering half-truths and lies about him. As a frequent guest in their home, the jovial, full of bonhomie man, who always had a joke or story to tell, slowly vanished, until what was left was a façade of his former self. Still the same man on the outside but those of us who knew him, loved him, could tell the strain was eating at him. And then it really was. About a year after this ordeal had started, he was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. Six months later he was dead.

My theory is that stress in Kennedy men cause them to manifest cancer. And Del knew this. She had just started dating Con when his father got sick. At the time, and over the years, we had many conversations about Con Sr’s illness and how the stress of being fired from the company he created had caused cancer. Was it the same as slipping some anti-freeze into Con’s morning smoothie or putting a bullet into his head and calling it suicide? No. But did she cause his stress deliberately? Yes! Did she have a good idea what this stress would do to him? You bet! Did she do it anyway? Of course. Did she do it with malice of forethought? I think so. She had as much as told me so when at the beginning of the divorce I had written to her begging her to find a better way to terminate their marriage than through litigation and massive attorney fees. Her response was brief “Daniel, you don’t want to see the truth. Conor destroyed our marriage and my life. If this is destroying his life now, then so be it. Karma is a bitch!”

I understood. I did. When a marriage of thirty-three years goes off the rails there is more often than not hurt, anger and a desire to punish the other. But what I saw, and she did not, is that wars, like the one she was waging against my friend, had unintended consequences which could be far worse than anyone could imagine or predict.

Conor’s wheelchair is tucked into one of the many umbrella adorned tables on the plaza directly adjacent to the PiHole. He has always been a sun worshipper and he has arranged himself so that like a sunflower his face is in the sun. As I set our donuts and coffee out on the table, he turns to me and asks, “What do you think happens next?”

I know his question is not about which donut to eat first. He is thinking about his mortality. How can it not be considering where he finds himself now? If I were in a similar position, it would be hard for me to keep my mind away from any thought but that. But I decided to deflect partly because it is my nature to add a joke to a serious question and because I am not ready to have this conversation with him. I reply “That is a hell of way to start a breakfast conversation. Not what kind of donuts did you got or did you remember to put cream in my coffee. You lead with “What happens when we die?” If it is all right with you, let me get a gulp of coffee in me before I begin to tackle that one.” 

Laughing, he says “What kind of donuts did you bring us?” When I tell him the choices, he chooses the Yogi Bear and says, “Thanks BooBoo.” Taking a bite of a Tres Leches and a sip of coffee I say “Well, to answer your question, I have no idea.”

“You don’t think about it?”

“Of course, I think about it. But I am not sure why you are asking me. I am the Jewish friend. Wouldn’t it be better for you to speak to someone from that megachurch you belonged to in Atlanta? They could guide you far better than I can in this.”

“They could. But I lost faith in those guys a long time ago. And besides most of them know Del and it will open a can of worms I just don’t want to deal with right now. They will inevitably tell me to get right with her and I am not going to do that. It is her fault that I am in this situation. She is the one who needs to ask forgiveness from me. Not the other way around.”

The couple at the table next to us turned to look at us as Con’s last sentence had lacked volume control. I give him a hand motion to turn down the volume and say, “Happy to talk to you about this but I am not going to bullshit with you. I will tell you what I think. I know you too well to do anything else. If that is okay with you, I am happy to share my thoughts.”

He meets my eyes and says, “That is all that I want.”

I nod and after taking another sip of coffee say “I am not a good Jew. Or said another way I am a secular Jew who has not spent any time studying the Torah or the bible. What I think I know is Judaism does not have a definitive answer on heaven. There is allegorical stuff like when my old man and I were in Jerusalem we visited the “Golden Gate” which is right next to the Mt. of Olives, the ancient cemetery, where you can only be buried by special permission these days. It is where the faithful want to be buried because tradition says the Golden Gate is where the Messiah will enter Jerusalem when he returns to earth. The dead who are buried there are the first to enter the city that is the bridge to heaven. But I am not sure of what that means. So, I can’t give you a religious answer or at least one based on the knowledge of faith.”

I look over at my friend. He has not taken a bite of his donut nor a sip of his coffee. His worry, his fear, of what happens after this life ends, is written all over his face. I want to give him something to hold onto. Something that will ease his fear but is not based on faith or bullshit. I say “What I have come to believe is that this Universe did not get here on its own. How did it get here? There must be something bigger greater than me, beyond my understanding that created it all. I cannot tell you if that is God or God like or whatever it is. But it suggests to me there is a greater force in this universe we do not understand. Which gives me hope there is something more.”

I take a bite of my donut and add “I would also like to believe that we are more than just meat puppets. That our consciousness, our sentience, is more than just a biological function that ceases to exist when our bodies die. That when we die that consciousness lives on because the universe always recycles things. But I wonder whether or not that is just ego. You know like a play on cogito ergo sum, I think therefore I am. I am, so how can that just disappear? You know what I mean?”

He replies, “I guess.”

“But the reason I hope it is more than just ego is something that happened to me back in college? Did I ever tell you the story of my grandmother and the ring?”

He shakes his head. After finishing the last of the Tres Leches donut and I take another sip of coffee I begin. “When I was a senior in college, the old man gave me an art deco garnet ring that was owned by his father. He told me that his dad had bought it as a present for himself with the back pay, he accumulated while he had been held as a POW for seven years in a Siberian gulag. I loved it not just because it was beautiful but because my dad had given it to me. It was more treasure than possession. I never took it off. About a year after he gave me the ring, I drove to Florida over the holidays to play in the Keys with my friends. On the return trip, my orange VW Bug broke down in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. I was stuck there for two days while they fixed the car. I had nothing to do but smoke weed, watch three channels of television, and do pushups to pass the time. Longest two days of my life. Finally, the car was repaired, and I took off for home. Somewhere around Virginia I looked down at my hand and saw that the ring I treasured was not on my finger. It must have slipped off somewhere while I was in North Carolina, and it was too far in my rear view to head back to look for it.  I was upset. And embarrassed. I could not let my dad know. For the two days I was home before returning to college I kept my hands in my pocket so he would not notice. “

I look over at Con who has now finished his Yogi Bear and say, “You want to split the Walt Whitman?” He shakes his head and I take it off the grey cardboard coffee tray and take a big bite of it before I continue telling my story. “Anyway, a few months go by. It is now February and the middle of the deep freeze of the Syracuse winter, and I go to bed one night and have this amazingly vivid dream. In it my grandmother Sidi, my father’s mom, comes to me and she tells me that the ring I have lost is underneath the driver’s seat of my VW. When I wake up, I am completely shaken. I don’t have dreams like this. It was so vivid that I could remember frame by frame and didn’t disappear from my memory within minutes of waking up.  It bothered me so much that I decided, even though it was only moments past dawn, to go and see if the ring was where my grandmother told me it would be. In nothing but a pair of unlaced boots and my pj’s I went out into the subzero temperature and trudge through a foot of new snow and go to where my car is parked. I open the driver’s side door and kneel in the snow. Peering under the driver’s seat, a place I had looked a dozen times before, is my grandfather’s ring! Pretty amazing stuff, right? “

Conor looks me with a confused face as if to say, “So what does this have to do with anything we have been talking about?” and says in nonplussed flat tone “Sure.”

“Well, I thought it was pretty amazing then. But that is not the astonishing part of the story. So happy as a lottery winner I walk back into my apartment and make myself a cup of coffee. I take it into the living room and switch on the TV to watch the news. Just then the phone rang. It is dad. He called to tell me that my grandmother had died during the night.” I paused for dramatic effect, and then in an extremely poor attempt to imitate Rod Serling at the beginning of the Twilight Zone and say” You are about to enter another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination.”

This made my friend smile, for which I am grateful. He has had far too few of them lately. I went on “I told you. I am not a religious person. Mom is an atheist. She disliked all religions. She viewed them as nothing more than superstitious organizations that took your money and stirred up trouble. It was a club she never wanted to join. Dad was different. He was a scientist. IF you could not measure it or use math to describe it then it was not real to him. But during our travels I discovered that as much as he outwardly disdained organized religion he believed in something bigger than this world. I asked rhetorically, “you know what he said when I told him this story?” Conor, a little more relaxed, was reaching for the other half of the Captain Crunch donut, shook his head.

“Remember when he and I went to Austria together so I could better understand what it must have been like for him to return there at the end of the second world war? We were in Fahrafeld, the town in lower Austria where his grandmother lived and where his mother would send him to avoid the summer heat in Vienna. We were walking through a big open field, with a large stream running through it and he was telling me about what it was like being here by himself during the summer. And for reasons I cannot remember, I told him about the ring. You know that look he would give people, the one where he would raise one eyebrow like a lightning bolt? You know the look. It was the one where he had significant questions about the amount of truth in what you were saying. Well, he gave me that look.

Then he said “You see that shed over there? Just beyond it is a single railway line. A train would come up from Vienna a couple of times a day. When it was about a mile out or so it would blast its whistle to let everyone know that it was about to arrive. When I heard it, wherever I was, I could tell whether mutti would be on that train. And you know what I was never wrong.”

I added “Can you believe it. My dad, the award-winning scientist believing in something like this…although to his credit he had established a scientific protocol to determine whether or not the phenomenon was real. So, Dad.” and started to laugh which made my friend laugh too.

He said “Danny, I just wish I could be sure. You know? If I just knew it would make this part of the ride so much easier.”

I nodded. I understood all too well. Fear of dying, when it leaked out of the mental cubbyhole, I placed it in, had made me fly from bed screaming on too many nights to count. I say, “Do they have a chaplain at Eagle Rest with whom you can speak?”

“They do and I have. He was all dogma and had no heart. Do you know what I mean?”

I nodded. He went on. “Do you know who I really wish I could speak to? Reverand Schein.” Reverand Schein was the bishop of the Anglican Church in our hometown. More importantly, he was the father of Shoshana who, before Del came along, was his most meaningful relationship. Shosh was everything that Con had wanted in a woman. Tall, lissome, and blonde she viewed the world with a sense of humor that was a little off skew. You loved being around her because she was fun, but you knew there was something deeper, more meaningful. Con once described her to me as being “both steak and ice cream.” She is the woman he would have married if not putting his penis into every vagina open to him had not been Con’s favorite hobby in college.

I said “I think he passed last year. I remember seeing something about it on Facebook.” Con shot me a look. It made me put two and two together. I laughed and said “You don’t want to talk to Reverand Schein at all, you manipulative sonofabitch. You want to talk to Shoshana, and you want me to reach out to her. Am I right?” Conor shrugged his shoulders and smiled.  I shook my head and spoke.  “You are an asshole. Okay. I will call her for you.”

Laughing he said, “Thanks buddy.”

Both of us were silent for a while. Content with watching the world go by. Which in Manhattan Beach at that hour of the day is primarily very fit women wearing the latest exercise togs from Lululemon. I have no doubt my libidinous friend was enjoying every moment as the average female resident’s age at Eagle Rest had to be in the late eighties. I would have enjoyed the view as well except that I had a very difficult question that I had been thinking about asking Con. It was a question I could have ignored if I was just interested in being pleasant, and not a friend.  That meant asking challenging questions, even though they might be hurtful in some ways because that was the kind thing to do. Still, I hesitated. I wanted to ask my question the right way and couldn’t seem to find the right words.

I finally decided to be direct and said “Conor, I want to ask you a question.”

He replied “You can ask me anything? Go for it.”

I leaned forward and said in a somber voice “Have you thought about what you want to happen at the end? When all is said and done.”

“You mean what to do with my body? Where do I want to be buried? Shit like that?”

“Yes. But other things too. Do you have a will? Is it the same will you had when you and Delilah were married? Because if it is your priorities changed. I am sure you don’t want to leave her anything. Is she still the beneficiary of your life insurance? Do you want her to get rich off of your death? All of that stuff.”

He said “Lil and I talked about what to do with my body before my surgery. I told her that if I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered on the ocean in Hawaii? I don’t care where in Hawaii, but it has to be there.”

“Okay. What about the will and that stuff?”

“I need to do something about that…”

“Can the guy who is handling your divorce handle that for you? Or at least connect you with someone who can?”

“I can ask him.”

“Because if he can’t or won’t, we can go to LegalZoom and create a will together. I just did my will on it and it’s easy. They ask you a bunch of questions including what state you are in, and they create a legally binding document. Easey peasey.”

I could tell Conor was rapidly losing interest in this conversation as he was looking everywhere but at me. He said curtly “I will talk to my guy.”

It was a signal to me to back off. I knew it. But I pressed on because I had not said the difficult part yet. I said, “Do me a favor though when you do talk to your lawyer.”

“What is that?”

“Please don’t make Lil your executor. Make one of the boys or your brother George.”

He looked at me with a look of curiosity combined with annoyance on his face and replied, “Why shouldn’t Lil be my executor.”

I paused a second to summon up my courage and said “I guess I could tell you that it will cause far less problems if you choose them. There is no doubt in my mind that Duke and Liam will contest the will if you make Lil the executor. You know it and I know it. There is no love lost there and Duke especially will want to attack her. If you love Lil there is no reason for you to put her in a position where she is certainly going to be attacked.” I paused.

“What else.”

“I don’t trust her. I know you love her. I know she has been the one taking care of you out here. And, I have no criticism there. In fact, I am grateful beyond words. She has sacrificed a lot to take care of you. But when you got sick, despite the fact I had called her concerned about your health, she never called me. She let me wonder what was going on with you for weeks despite phone calls, emails, and IM’s. She left me hanging and hurting. Nothing she can ever say or do will allow me to forget that. I can’t trust her to do the right thing. And that is the sole role of the executor. She also hates your boys. Justified or not, she does. She won’t do the right thing by them, and you can’t let that be your legacy.”

“Doesn’t that cut both ways. The boys hate her. They will do everything they can to avoid giving her anything I bequeath her.”

“No doubt. So, make George the executor. He likes Lil. And even though he doesn’t get along with the boys he has a lot of integrity. He will carry out your wishes as best he can.”

“You don’t want the job?”

I laugh and say, “I thought you liked me.”

Mac is sitting at my feet, in his best good boy pose, back straight, his eyes fixed on mine. He barks, whines and then shoves his head into my chest. It is a familiar move. He is the only dog I have ever had who when he needed a little love, a bit of reassurance, or felt the need for a touch like we all do from time to time. would actively let me know his wishes. He licks the sunglasses off my face and then with a quick yap starts running down the beach. I see why. The rainbow, which had been so bright and vibrant with color just minutes before, is fading. I yell to my boy “Mac, come.” He hesitates. then turns, and ears flapping, raspberry tongue flying out of the side of his mouth he returns to me. It is not him who needs comfort now. It is me. I wrap my arms around his neck, hugging him. For a second, I smelled the glorious puppy smell of our first meeting. Perhaps that is something the gods give to dogs when they return to heaven. I tell him what a good boy he is. That he is loved, missed and never forgotten. He licks the tears off my face and then takes his leave, flying down the beach towards the rainbow that is now a mere glimmer of its former glory.

As Mac disappears into the rainbow, I see the lone swimmer making his way towards it as well. I yell “Will I see you later?” The swimmer pauses and then waving an arm yell “Yes!” and he too fades into the spectrum.

Chapter 7: Day 2: 9:05 AM continued

I never take my cell phone to bed. Our electronic companions are the worst type of rabbit hole to fall into before going to sleep. A Facebook post that is so stupid, inane, or hateful you feel the need to respond. An email from a colleague that shits in your cornflakes. None of them help you fall asleep, and sleeping is not something at which I excel. I am the guy who gets up at two in the morning and instead of rolling over and falling back to sleep I try to solve the world’s and my own problems. I did not need any additional ways to keep me from getting my beauty rest. Which is why I am so annoyed on this early morning in late November of 2018. I have been awakened by a cell phone ringing incessantly in my study. When the phone switches the call to voicemail, whomever is calling hangs up and calls again. I debate whether to get out of bed to answer the phone to share with the caller profanities that would make a rapper blush or just put on my noise reduction ear buds and go back to sleep.

It could be some random person drunk dialing over and over again hoping to reach a person who is not here. It could be my mother. She has never called me this late. Even when my father had fallen in the middle of the night and rushed to the hospital she waited until morning to call. But she is alone now. Maybe she needs me. Reluctantly, I get out of bed and walk to my study where my phone is charging. I look at the screen. It is not my mother. The calls are coming from a number in the 424-area code I do not recognize. Whoever it is has left me five voice mails in the last hour. Out of curiosity and against my better judgement I listened to the first one.

It is Con. In a manic voice he said “Budrow! It is me, your buddy Con. I know I have been out of touch for a while, and I am really really sorry about that. But it was not my fault. I wanted to call you, but I could not. It is too complicated to explain. But I will tell you all about it when you call me back. It has been fucking wild. What time is it there? Shit. I do not have a watch, I don’t know. I cannot do that kind of math in my head so if it is really late, I am sorry. But call me back. We have lots to discuss. Love you bro.”

I am stunned. I have not talked to Con in over six weeks. For the last two years, since the beginning of Con’s and Del’s steel-octagon death match California style divorce I had called him every day. I had done so because that is what friends do. Besides, He had no family left except a brother who was not a big part of his life and a sister with whom he did not speak. His sons, through Con’s own willfulness, questionable decision making, and Del’s poisoning had little, if any, relationship with him any longer. His girlfriend Lilith more often than not contributed to his everyday sense of anxiety. Who else was the boy going to talk to?

Then one day I called, and he had not called me back. That was not completely abnormal. It happened from time to time, and I did not think twice about it. When I did not hear from him the next day I called again. The call went straight to voice mail. When he did not return my call the next day, I sent him an email and did not get a response to that either. I was hurt and furious. I was convinced at the time that the reason for his “radio silence” was his girlfriend Lilith.

Lil, as Con called her, and I did not get along. It was not open warfare. More like an uneasy détente. We tolerated each other’s presence in Con’s life and when during the few times we had met, we played nice with each other saying all the right things but with none of the correct feelings. Our animosity had its origins with Liam’s wedding. Con had requested he take Lil as his plus one. Liam, under Delilah’s influence, had said no as it would cause unwanted drama at the wedding. Lil took this very personally. She told Con that he should be a “man” and put his foot down. She attends or he does not.

Con and I of course discussed this at length during one of our calls. He asked what I thought and like an idiot I told him. This was his youngest’s son’s wedding to a woman Liam had been dating since they were both sixteen. He knew and loved his daughter-in-law to be as if she was his own child. He knew her parents, the Pembertons, and liked them. If he brought Lil, and Del promised drama, then drama would happen. This was a singular family moment. Missing it for any reason would be something he would regret for the rest of his life. It would create a rift not only between him, Liam and Hadley but would screw up his relationship with Duke. I said, “You know what the worst outcome of you not attending the wedding?”

“What?”

“Del would win. Every terrible thing she said about you would be confirmed. She would walk around all weekend long and say “No. Con did not make it. His new whore girlfriend is more important to him than his son.”

He nodded and said, “That sounds about right.”

I added “Besides Lil should want you to have a good relationship with your sons. She should do everything she can to make sure your relationship with them is strong. That is what love is all about. You want what is best for the other person’s well-being and happiness. And if she doesn’t…”

“What?”

“And if that is not what she wants for you, then what she feels for you is not love. Or at least it is not a healthy type of love.” 

“That is a pretty bold statement. Why do you say that? “

“Buddy, because I have lived it. Remember that woman Susan? The one my mother always refers to as the bitch?”

“Sure.”

“Yeah, her whole M.O. was trying to separate me from my family. Trying to convince me that my family was not working for my best interests, while she always was. She wanted me to focus all of my attention on her not them. She was constantly creating situations where I had to pick her or my family. Either or. No middle ground. When I finally broke free of her it took me and my therapist some serious couch time to unwind all the ropes in which Susan had bound me. One of her insights was that this woman who supposedly loved me was suffering from borderline personality disorder where a person works to make sure she is always the only object of affection in their lives.”

“You are saying Lil has borderline personality disorder?”

I replied, “No. “and then to inject a little lightness in the conversation I added “I am not a psychiatrist, and I do not play one on television. What I am saying, Lil’s pitting you against your son reminds me of Susan’s behavior. Regardless, it is not a kind, loving or nice thing to do.”

Con was convinced. Then he did something stupid. Instead of confronting Lil directly with what we had discussed, how he felt about her ultimatum and what he wanted to do, he threw me under the bus. During their conversation he couched everything in terms of “This is what Danny thinks. Danny thinks I should go to the wedding. Danny thinks you are being unkind. Danny thinks you have a mental disorder.” Lil did not respond well to the conversation. In addition to describing me in less than complimentary terms she dug in her heels regarding the wedding. Con could go to the wedding but if he did, it was the end of them. My friend was caught between a rock and a hard place. He was infatuated with Lil. She is where he saw his future. His boys would have to understand now that they were grown and now his priorities were different. He needed to build a new life and he wanted Lil to be in it. They would have to understand.  

On the day before the wedding, just before Nadine and I were scheduled to leave for Liam and Hadley’s rehearsal dinner, and after endless conversations, countless alternative plans we finally figured out a way to make everyone happy. Con would take the redeye flight from LAX to Atlanta. Once there he would shower and change in our room, and we would all go to the happy couple’s early afternoon wedding together. He would make a brief toast at the reception and then run to the airport and catch a late afternoon flight back to LAX so he could have a late evening dinner with Lil. It would be as if he had never left. No harm, no foul for Lil. He fills his obligations and desire as a father. Everyone wins.

The rehearsal dinner was at Hadley’s parent’s home in Buckhead. The Pemberton’s had transformed their home into a wonderful venue for the party. There were bars and buffets located all over the house giving each demographic the chance to find its own room. As importantly there was a celebratory atmosphere. Everyone envisioned a happy future for this couple that had been together for so long. 

We were greeted at the door by Hadley’s parents. Her mother Grace was especially nice to us. She told me that over the years she had heard so many “Uncle Danny” she was glad to finally put a face with the name. Then, begging Nadine’s forgiveness, she pulled me aside.  When we were alone, she quizzed me about Con. Grace had written him a dozen or so personal emails begging him to come and promising him that despite the bitter divorce he would be treated with love and respect. He had never responded, and she was fearful that he was angry with her and would not attend the wedding. I told her not to worry. Con and I had talked just before we had left the hotel and he was making reservations for his flight to Atlanta. The look of relief on her face was frameable.

I was getting a plate of appetizers at the seafood buffet for Nadine when my phone vibrated indicating I had received a text. I ignored it. The langoustines were calling me. It was only after Nadine, and I had managed to clean our plates that I pulled out my phone and looked at the screen. The text was from Duke. Addressed to Con, Liam, Lilith and me. It read “I cannot believe that you are not here! Your son is getting married tomorrow. You had the opportunity to make peace and you fucked that up. You have chosen to spend time with your Mexican drug dealing whore. She is Sinaloa. Google it.  And, while you are online check out her Tinder profile. She is fucking around on you. But instead of being with your son you are with her A cheap drug dealing bitch. Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you again.”

I went looking for Duke. I needed to know what would make him write such a purposely offensive note. How could he possibly think what he said would make the situation better?

I found him on the patio holding court with a few friends of his from High School. They were laughing and enjoying themselves. The way people should be speaking at a rehearsal dinner. As I got closer, I noticed that in Duke’s right hand was a bottle of Corona. When my nephew saw me, he boomed “Uncle Danny!” and gave me a bear hug. Introducing me to his friends he said, “This is the Uncle Danny.” It seemed that they had heard of me and I spent a moment or two shaking hands before whispering to Duke “Hey, can we talk for a moment.”

When we were beyond earshot of the others I said, pointing to the Corona in his hand “What the fuck is this?”

“It is just a beer Uncle Danny.” And then with the arrogance of someone who knows he is doing something wrong added “I am at the point in recovery where it is all right for me to have a beer occasionally. I have it under control. “

I smiled at him and let his words hang in the air for a second or two. I wanted him to know with my silence I was not falling for it. I said, “Bullshit. And want to know why I know it’s bullshit? Because a person who is in control would not have written this” pointing to the text still visible on my phone.  

He protested “He deserved it Uncle Danny. He should be here. It’s his fucking son’s wedding.”

“You are goddamn right he should be here! And I have been working for weeks to get him here. Which you knew because I told you. Didn’t I? But you could not leave it up to me. You had to send him this disgusting and disrespectful text. You could have just sent it to him. At least then you could have discussed it even if that was at full volume. Instead, you decided to include Lilith. Why? l am serious. Why in god’s name did you do that? Did you think calling her a drug dealer and whore would endear her to you?”

“But she is all of those things Uncle Danny. I did a deep dive on Google and hacked into her on Tinder. She is definitely cartel owned. What bake shop owner makes the type of money she does? And she is seeing at least two other men from Tinder.”

I held up my hand. I didn’t need to hear anymore. Not because my anger burned less hot but because I knew that I was sparring with Duke’s demons not him.  I sighed and said “I know who she is. Maybe even better than you. I am not sure about the drug thing. Could be. But not the point. People’s sex life is their own damn business. You certainly should not be telling your father who he should have sex with. But as I have told your dad, what concerns me more, far more, is that she is trying to keep him from having a relationship with his kids and me. Whether that is something benign like insecurity or something more pathological it does not matter because whatever it is it ain’t love and it ain’t kindness. I have done what I could to open his eyes to the problem. But there is a difference between what I did and what you did.”

Duke said, “What is that?”

“I only pushed it only so far that the bridge smolders for a bit. I never burned it down. You did. It leaves him on the other side with no way home. It is a victory for Lil. She can now go to your old man and say “See, what did I tell you. Your children are disrespectful little shits. You are better off without them. And your friend Danny, he is there, and he didn’t stop it. What kind of friend is that!” Now we have a far deeper hole to dig ourselves out of and for extra bonus fun your father won’t be at Liam’s wedding. And you know who is going to enjoy that?”

Duke gave me a blank stare. “Your mother. The woman who has been doing her best to destroy your old man now wins in the eyes of all who are here. She will be able to crow “See I told you he was a shit. Would not even come to his son’s wedding.” Do you think that is going to make their divorce less acrimonious or more?”

My tall, handsome and troubled nephew stared at me. I had never spoken to him this way. It was not the fun Uncle Danny who took him out for steak dinners, bought him his first hot fudge sundae, or shared books with him. My tirade had started in anger. He had burned down a bridge that I had labored mightily to build. In that moment, I realized that in many ways talking to Duke was like talking to his father. Both shared a strong streak of self-righteousness. A firm belief they were always right even when they knew they were wrong. I also knew I was dealing with a non-recovering alcoholic and a bi-polar man whose meds, if he was taking them, were not working. The easy thing to do would have been to just walk away in disgust and anger. But this was my nephew. I had to do right by him. That is the obligation when you love someone. You had to be kind by being honest. Hopefully in a way he appreciated and understood. Even if that was not today, but at some point, in the future when the seeds of what I said today took root.

I said “Here is the point. You were an asshole. But you are also one of my favorite assholes. I love you. You fucked up but your heart was in the right place. There will be consequences. With Lilith there will always be consequences. We are just going to have to figure out a way to get your father back over the bridge you just nuked. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Now give me a hug and let’s try to enjoy this party.”

We hugged like two bears. As we broke I realized he still had the bottle of Heineken in his hand. I had to say something. Looking him in the eyes I said, “One more parting shot from the uncle who loves you as a son.” Pointing to the beer I say “This dog don’t hunt. I know you. I know you think you can outthink this. You believe you can use your brain to solve every problem. In most cases, you are probably right. You are that smart. But I can tell you with 100% confidence you will not be able to outthink your alcoholism. It is biology not intellect. It is, I am sad to say, your fate.”

I can almost hear his eyes roll as I am saying this to him. He does not want to hear it. But it has to be said. I add, “Ever read a short story by Somerset Maugham “The Appointment in Samara?”

Duke shook his head. “Read it. You will like the writing and the story.  It is a parable about fate. You should take it to heart. Okay? Sermon over. Let’s go see if we can find your Aunt Nadine. She wants to give you a hug.”

There were consequences. Duke’s text not only convinced his father not to come to the wedding but at Lilith’s urging to cut off contact with his sons. Not that either of Con’s sons wanted anything to do with him at that point. Between Del’s narrative of an abusive, alcohol, drug addled out of control man worst husband in the western world and his not attending the wedding the destruction to his relationships with his sons was epic. Only time could repair it and even then, there was a strong possibility the wounds would never fully heal.

I was collateral damage.  Lil labeled me as a “bad influence” because when he and I spoke, I would often urge reconciliation between him and his children. Which my overly communicative friend shared with her.

Which is why when Con stopped returning my phone calls and did not respond to my emails, I thought the harridan had finally convinced him not to speak with me. It hurt like few things had in my life. I had been his friend if not brother for over forty years. We had epic adventures all over the world. When he was in trouble, or needed help I was always there.  I felt betrayed in the same way a person might when their spouse tells them they are going to the convenience store for a pack of cigarettes and never returns.  All erased due to Lilith.

The irony or the weird part of it was it was Lilith that I talked to just before things went quiet. I had been in Rio’s Admirals Club waiting for a flight home when my phone rang. It was Con. He was in his car driving to Lil’s. He was very amped up and sounded “off”. He was calling because he wanted to share with me that Eva Longoria had been filming a commercial outside his apartment in Manhattan Beach. He had stopped to watch the shoot and when Longoria came by to sign autographs one thing had led to another and they ended up having sex in her trailer. That was not the strangest thing about the phone call. While he was telling me this outlandish story, he would interrupt the tale with an “excuse me”, pull the car off to the side of the road and loudly vomit out the window. After this had happened three times I said, “What the hell is going on with you?”

He responded “I don’t know. I think I caught a bug or something. For the last few days, I have had really bad headaches, and I can’t seem to get anything down. Hold on.” As if to punctuate his point he pardoned himself and vomited again.

When he came back to the phone. I said “Buddy, instead of going to Lil’s don’t you think you should go to Emergency Care and see if they can figure out what is going on with you. At the very least they could give you something to stop you from puking. Because what is going on right now ain’t normal.”

He snapped back “I will call the Dr. when I get to Lilith’s.”

“Dude, that isn’t smart. Not only shouldn’t you be driving but if you have the flu or something contagious do you really want to share that with her and her children?” Look do what you want but you need to see the Dr. now and how you can drive when you are throwing up all the time.”

His response was gagging and vomiting again. Eventually, he said, “Let me call you back.”

He didn’t. Fifteen minutes passed. No call from Con. I texted him. No response. I called. He did not pick up. Concerned, and seeing no other option, I texted Lil. Had she heard from Con. She had not. I Facetimed her. I shared with her my conversation with Con with the exception of the Eva Longoria part. She told me that he had not been feeling well for days and “He has been so weird lately. Lots of headaches. He has a hair trigger temper. Anything could set him off. We ordered Thai food the other night and they didn’t include the Drunken Noodles we had ordered, and he was so angry he through a container of rice at the wall.”

I took a beat. I was confused by his behavior but also by her tone. It seemed to me that she was not taking my friend’s very disturbing behavior and symptoms as seriously as she should have. I said “That does not sound like our boy at all. Did you suggest he go to the Dr.” Perhaps I sounded patronizing because her response was both terse and petulant. “No. I am here. I know what is going on. If he needed to go to the Dr. we would have gone.”

“I get it. I do. But him driving along the road  being unable to stop vomiting, isn’t that a little concerning? Don’t you think?”

Lill rocked her head back and forth that I took to mean “Maybe yes, maybe no.” I continued. “I know how stubborn he can be. I know he won’t want to go. But perhaps if we work together, we can convince him he needs to see someone?”

Lil shook her head, clearly fed up with my interference, and replied “Dan, don’t you think you are overreacting. It’s probably just the flu combined with the divorce that has him all out of sorts.”

Responding, perhaps with more frustration in my voice than was wise I said. “Maybe I am overreacting. But if I am no harm, no foul. But if I am not then we start the path to figuring out what is going on with the boy.”

She said “Listen I have to go. But I will see what I can do. Ciao.” She hung up before I could say goodbye.

I called Con. No response. My flight was called, and I had to let it go but I expected to hear something when I landed. But there were no voice mails, emails, or text when I finally reached Newark 16 hours later.  Calls to Con and Lil went unanswered. Texts and emails went without reply. I got frustrated. If Con was sick, why didn’t Lil call me back? If Con was okay, why wasn’t he calling me back? Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned into a month. With each passing day, my hurt and anger increased geometrically. When I shared my anger, frustration and hurt with Nadine and my mother they both had the same advice. Step back. If he is not calling you back, then there is a reason. If that reason is Lil, then he has made a choice. If he were sick and could not call you, don’t you think someone would have called you?

I had barely lifted the phone to my ear, when I hear Con’s voice manically saying “I am so sorry. I really am. I know you have called me, and I would have called you back, but they wouldn’t let me call you. They took my phone away and I just got it back. Otherwise I would have called you. You know that. But I am really really sorry.”

“Wo wo wo dude. What do you mean they would not let you call me? Who took your phone? What is going on?”

“Lil took my phone away. She said she didn’t trust me with it. So she took it. And I finally convinced her to give it back to me. But I am really sorry I didn’t call you. You know that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. You are my brother. It is just that I couldn’t call you.”

Not following the conversation at all. I say “Con! Slow down. You are confusing the fuck out of me. Why couldn’t you call?”

“Oh! I am sorry. They tell me that my brain is rewiring, and I think I say things that I haven’t. But not to worry. It’s getting better.”

Exasperated I say “Dude slowdown. Let’s do this another way. I will ask you a single question and you just answer that? Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Why is it that your brain is rewiring?”

“Oh. I didn’t say?  I am sorry. They took a part of my brain out.”

“What? Why?”

He replies just as naturally as he was giving me a weather report. “Because I had a brain tumor and they had to take it out.”

Chapter 6: Day 2: 8:15

I come to a small glade in the middle of the jungle. It is roughly circular in shape.  In the middle, a large wooden sculpture, bathed in sunlight, is surrounded by well-maintained native grass.  The figure is about eight feet tall, a fearsome Polynesian or Hawaiian god crouching with massive thighs bent, as if he is about to leap. His arms are by his sides, hands open as if spoiling for a fight. His face is dominated by an ear-to-ear toothy grimace suggesting to me that he is eagerly anticipating the battle ahead. He is crowned with a Mahiole, a feathered helmet, that I have learned is a symbol of rank among the Hawaiian aristocracy.

When I get closer, I see there is a small wooden plaque in front of the statue. It reads “This is the great god Ku. God of War and of prosperity. He is among the four primary gods of Hawaiian mythology who is responsible for the wellbeing of all believers and of the Hawaiian Islands. He is the only native god in which human sacrifices were made. The Guardian of King Kamehameha placed statues, similar to this one, around his kingdom as tribute to him. “The sign does not tell me why the statue is here in the middle of the jungle.  Nor who placed him here. I think this is odd, but I do not let that keep me from admiring this remarkable statue.

I am not naïve enough to believe that war is unnecessary. People who say that violence never settled anything have never been punched in the face. The people who go to war often have noble purposes in their heart. They are defending their freedom, religion, or country. Sometimes their reasons are less honorable such as economic or territorial gain, forcing their belief system onto others or even just revenge. Regardless of motive, most wars start without an understanding or appreciation of the consequences that wars bring. Did the countries that entered into WW1 because of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand appreciate the fact that nine million men would die including one and four Frenchmen of fighting age? That the war they started would not really end until the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989 with over one hundred million dead? Did the planners of the attack on Pearl Harbor realize that their victory that day would ultimately unleash a power that could destroy the world and result in the death of a nearly two hundred fifty thousand of their fellow citizens when the United States dropped Little Boy and Fat Man on Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

The problem with war is not that it is unnecessary, it is that it creates unpredictable, often horrible consequences. Once the goggles of war are put on the myopia of winning negates your ability to see anything else. The sadness, the tragedy of war, is that a modicum of understanding your opponent’s point of view, a bit of creativity, or just taking a beat to fully appreciate the threshold you are standing on could prevent the destruction and carnage that will follow. 

The Portofino Hotel is located on a small spit of land inside the King Harbor Marina in Hermosa Beach. It isn’t a particularly fancy place even though it is highly rated on Hotels.com. It reminds me more of a 60’s motel, which is what it once was, than the five-star hotel it has become.  But, having stayed there in the past, I knew the rooms were clean and well equipped with nice amenities, good service, and a hidden bonus I particularly loved. The rooms on the ground floor have a small patio and at night, you can hear the sea lions who inhabited the adjacent breakwater barking at each other. Which is why I am sitting outside now, bundled in a blue commando style sweater with leather patches on the elbows and shoulders listening to their conversation. I want them to help me let go of the day. Aiding me in that quest, and another reason I am sitting outside, is the “Lemon Tree” pre roll I had picked up at MedMen dispensary near LAX when I flew in the night before. I don’t smoke pot often but its legal and the clerk at the store told me that this strain is ideal for “chilling.” I hope a few tokes can help me forget the day and relax into sleep in a way alcohol cannot. I have only had one hit, I have learned from bitter experience that more than that can send me to a place i don’t want to go, but it has already begun to help me feel as I am better able to cope with the events of the day.  

I pull out my iPhone and scroll to the email Del had sent me a few days ago when she found out, probably through Liam, that I was headed to California to spend some time with Conor.

Why did I file for divorce, why did I lock him out, why did I go to a lawyer. He needs to look at his behavior. Con can’t. Like Duke when he was sick. They have the same problem. A need to rationalize everything. It is what addicts do. Con is an alcoholic.  He knows it. He has admitted it to me in writing. And you know it too. You told me so.

You know Con. His way of remembering things is writing them down. He keeps notebooks for work. Names etc. I have them and have read them. And don’t throw a lot of crap my way for having done so. I did it to see if I was crazy or my suspicions were right. I won’t apologize for having to try and protect myself. A lot is there to prove my points but not necessary to share. I do have them though. Just so upsetting to go through. I won’t open them again. By the way the hotel he went to was in Redondo. Right near us. He freaked out when I saw it on his calendar. He by accident copied me in. Then tried to justify his behavior the rest of the day. I didn’t even make a point about it. 

Con has been on dating sites for a while. I even saw him on them. He quickly flicked the screen over. He would get two glasses of wine and go down to the fire pit and look and talk to women. 

Here are some other problems I had.

1. I caught him over Valentine’s weekend lying about what he was doing. We both knew I knew where he went. I’ll just leave it at that. It was awful. I also believe he had an unnecessary overnight but won’t go there. 

2. Going on the cruise and him lying about why we were getting all that money then telling me the day before we weren’t going snorkeling, he was going to pick up HGH in a clinic instead. The cruise wasn’t for me, it was for him, and he lied about what he was doing. 

3. Sex was different…I won’t go there. Then he was unable to make it happen and freaked out. Right when we got back, He had to go right away to his place in Torance a few towns away to get the stuff to fix it right before leaving on a trip. I WAS WITH HIM! Trust me, we didn’t have sex and he was obviously in a hurry to get his meds corrected. 

4. We swam the day before he had the second hair job. I asked if we were swimming the next day. He said no he was out. The next day he got up at 5:00am and I said that was early. He said he had an early appointment. Oh I said doctors. He said yes. Then he left. I actually called him in the car, and he wouldn’t pick up. So I texted. This is the conversation- 

Con- Got your VM I’ll be back this afternoon. Please take an Uber if you want to.

Me- where are you?

Con- In Redondo

Me – Doing what?

Con – My hair

Me – Don’t come home, I am done bye I will be contacting a lawyer. You have issues and will make us broke. find a hotel. Enjoy all your hair, drugs and booze, be happy. Find a hotel for the night. Jesse and I will be on a flight tomorrow morning.

Con- I do need to come home and pack and get my work stuff and files please leave the door open so I can do this.

Me – no.

I had had all I could take of his lying and cheating and spending money. 

He was wild. He broke a door and the landlord and Mexicans workers next store saw it. They were afraid for me. I won’t go into detail, but he was nuts. Started throwing all of my clothes out of the drawers. He also continued to be nuts that week when talking to the landlord and Real estate person. They said he was scary to talk to. The landlord was scared to show the place. 

You get the drift. Our other landlord is scared of him too!

This was after I had asked him not to do it. It was a fuck you to me. He didn’t care what I wanted or was feeling. Or what it was costing. Cost only came up when I went for a lawyer. It was after sneaking the HGH and also after being caught meeting someone right before Valentines Day. Danny, anyone with a brain can see what he has been up to. It’s like how Duke was when he was sick. He will always justify his actions, but any sane person can see what is going on. 

I decided to see a lawyer shortly after Valentine’s Day. I shared much of what was going on with my friend Joanne who lives across the way. She had been divorced and told me the biggest mistake she had made was not seeing a lawyer before she left her former husband. She gave me the name of her attorney and I hired her.  Divorce papers came after reading his note to me which by the way had lies in it and then figuring out during the whole time poor Duke  was trying to mediate this he was fucking another woman. MMM did that woman just pop out of nowhere? Don’t be naive. Living in a different place and not getting a divorce were perfect for him he could keep his money and be single. 

I find it interesting that all his anger is on me and not on what brought us to that point. He’s like Duke. Great at winning arguments even if they are wrong. He is a sneak and a cheat. Also an alcoholic and liar. Duke is trying to justify his actions. He can’t come to terms with what he has been doing. He has to blame someone else. He chose not to go to marriage counseling long ago. He chooses porn, dating sites and sex with other women. He snuck around, lied and spent at least $20,000 on getting “upgraded”. He ruined our family. The facts speak for themselves as a result of his actions. 

Liam even told him he isn’t taking personal responsibility for his actions.  

So, in all his anger he needs to ask why I did those things. I doubt he can look at himself and answer. 

Thanks for listening. No need to do this again. Love always. Moving day 2 days. Will be so glad.

PS. I had to move his things into storage because he only came once and picked up a few things. The rest sat out there for weeks and were getting wet. It was too much to put in the garage. Too hard to go down another flight of stairs. I was moving on the 18th. After numerous requests through my lawyer and no response I packed up all his personal stuff got two men and a truck and put it into storage. I had to get it out of here so I could leave. The day I did it we finally got a response saying he would be here on the 20th. Obviously too late. 

The best way to describe the décor of Con’s bachelor pad was fraternity boy chic with design help from Costco. His living room furniture consisted of a brown microfiber couch that could have graced the cover of Trailer Park living with an old trunk as a coffee table. His desk and dining room table consisted of two 6-foot-long folding tables that would have been right at home at a swap meet or the American Legion Hall. His bedroom consisted of a King Size Mattress and box spring on the floor with two packing boxes as matching nightstands. He had three gigantic flat screen televisions. One in the living room, another on his desk that he used as a monitor and the last in the bedroom opposite his bed.

I was conflicted when I saw all this. The nature of our friendship compelled me to give him a huge amount of shit about living in a way that was a fantasy for the brothers of Delta House but was a million miles away from the professionally designed four-bedroom modern home in the gated community in Atlanta where he and Del had raised their family. However, I was also acutely aware that not only had my friend never lived alone, he had gone from living in his parents’ home to living with Del, but he was also going through one of life’s most stressful experiences. A time where good taste and judgement played second fiddle to expediency and need. I said “Very chic. I didn’t know that Costco had a design service. Is it free or do they charge you extra for it?”

Con replied “Oh no. Its free with their executive memberships.”

“Did you send an email to Zeta Psi magazine so they could feature it their next issue?”

“Didn’t have to. They called me. I declined. Too busy for a photo shoot for the next little while. And if you are done busting balls why don’t we go out on my mini deck, have a beer and see if we can see the green flash.”

Grabbing a couple of Stella Atois from the refrigerator and handing me one I said “I thought you didn’t believe in the Green Flash?”

“I don’t. But when in Rome…”

We settled into the blue and white aluminum and nylon collapsible chairs he had outfitted his deck with and clinked bottles. The sun was still bright yellow and about two fingers above the horizon. The wind was gentle and blowing directly off the ocean and into our faces bringing with it the smell of the sea and cawing of gulls swooping above the surf. I said, “Well this doesn’t suck.”

“Nope. Not at all. It almost makes all the bullshit worthwhile.”

“I bet. Did I tell you that I got a note from Del the other day.”

“No.” he said his voice changing from relaxed to cold anger instantly “What did the bitch have to say for herself.”

“It’s easier to show you.” And with that I handed him my iPhone with Del’s email opened. For a minute or so, I enjoyed the view of the Pacific, and the dipping sun while Con read Del’s note. Eventually, with a disgusted view on his face, he handed the phone back to me.  I asked, “What do you think?”

“I think she has painted the best possible picture for herself. She has twisted the facts just enough to seem reasonable. Like I am the bad guy, and she is the saint.” Pausing for a second and then laughing he adds “Its Trumpery.”

“I think I understand. But give me an example.”

“The whole hair plug thing is just complete bullshit. We discussed it before I decided to get it done. She thought it was too expensive. I told her that I felt it would help me with my clients and that it was something that I wanted to get done. Here in California how young you look is part of the culture. We couldn’t agree. She was dead set against it. So far, her description and mine are the same but she left out one thing. Our faith says that there can only be one decision maker in any family and if a man and a wife disagree what the husband decides is part of god’s plan and needs to be accepted. That is what happened here. I told her I had heard what she had to say. I considered it but in the end the decision was up to me, and I was going to get the transplants.”

“I don’t know Con. I can’t speak about religious things but that is not how I handle decision making with Nadine. In addition to having different fiefdoms. She rules in Rio and I in NJ we have agreed to have veto power over any major decision. If we can’t agree, then it doesn’t happen.”

“Well, there are two differences. “He said with vehemence “First, both of you contribute to the household finances. Del hasn’t worked in twenty-five years. Even after the kids went off to college. She has done nothing to contribute to the household finances. It has all been on me. Me. So if I want to spend a few bucks on myself then fuck it. I am going to do it. “

“Okay.”

“Second, she carefully leaves out that we spent the same to get her ass and tits lifted as I spent on hair plugs. Why is it okay for her to spend money to get herself tightened up and not okay for me to do it when I make the money.”

“It doesn’t make much sense to me.” Then, trying to make a joke to take down the temperature of the conversation I added “Perhaps, she is a sexist.”

Con didn’t take the bait and continued on with “Fine, she was done with me. Fine that the hair transplants were the final straw. But I ask you Danny what kind of a bitch locks a person they love out of their apartment with no clothes, no toiletries no nothing after he has just had surgery. It takes a grade A certifiable cunt to do that. Then to act surprised that I show up at our apartment angry and upset. Come on.”

On a roll he spit out“And the whole bit about me not coming for my things is almost a metaphor in  how she manipulates the truth. Yes, she sent me an email to pick up my stuff. Yes, she was kind enough to place it in the garage after it was damaged by rain. What a fucking saint! What she doesn’t tell you is that she emptied the apartment while she knew I was in London on business. Then I couldn’t pick up my stuff because I was six thousand miles away. By the time I got back, the apartment was empty, and she placed “my stuff” in storage. You know what was in the storage locker? A couple of old lamps, some clothes, and some other knickknacks. You know what was not there? All my family’s photos. She even took the picture of my dad that was hanging on the wall in the living room. She took everything that had any physical or emotional value and left me with the dregs and wants to be beatified a saint for it.”

It had been a mistake to show Con the letter. Hearing his anger or more precisely his pain was unpleasant and horrifying. How could a couple that had been married for the better part of thirty years have so much pent-up rage and anger towards each other? How could I have been so blind? What I had seen as a stable happy relationship was really a bubbling caldron of anger, deceit, and denial.  But in that moment, I knew I needed to put my own need to reassess and reexamine how I perceived the world and let my buddy vent. Let him lance the infected wound. Get the poison out in the hopes it would allow him to heal.

“Go on.”

“Don’t even get me started about her going through my business journals. I could get fired for her seeing those!”

“Isn’t that a stretch?”

“No. You don’t understand. That is my work product. Mercers has a written policy that no one, not even your spouse, can see our work product except an employee or the client. It is in my contract. If they found out they could fire me. Game over.”

“If you say so, I have never heard of any company anywhere having that requirement, but I am not in your business. But I would have been pissed off if Nadine went through my business things. Not so much because she did, but because of the lack of trust that it demonstrated. But that is us, we figured out pretty early on that when a good part of the time you live on separate continents that if we lost trust nothing will work. In other words, we made an active decision to trust each other.”

Con said nothing. I floated “She claims that she found proof of infidelity in those journals. Something about a hotel in Redondo.”

“That was a business meeting. A conference on earthquakes and how overdue we are for the big one. I went because I am trying to put together a product that will help under insured companies survive the financial trauma that is going to happen when the big one finally happens.”

I decided to push him a little. Not that I cared who, if anybody, he was fucking. I was not an innocent. But I did want there to be truth between us. I had known him too long and at least in my opinion could be a better friend if I was working with the truth as opposed to a fiction created to spare his image. I said, “Okay but were you having an affair.”

He angrily, perhaps too angrily, retorted “What the fuck. I told you no!”

“Look, I don’t care if you were fucking everything that was damp from here to San Diego. Would not change how I think about you. Shit happens. Life happens. And it is certainly clear, even from Del’s note, that part of your marriage was not working well.”

“You are talking about her comments about our sex life and me needing pills to perform.”

“Well…yeah.”

“The pills or the lack of sex.”

“Yes”

“She is right I had a hard time getting it up on our trip. And it did freak me out. A lot. That had never happened before. Suddenly, I was the guy with a limp dick. Me? The guy with the perpetual boner could not fuck his wife. So yeah, I rushed to the Dr. I wanted to know what was wrong. Turned out it was my blood pressure meds throwing things off. And the fact the making love to Del at that point was more of a chore…”

“TMI dude. TMI. I have no desire to imagine you two schtupping. None. Zero. Zip.”

“You asked.”

“I did. My bad. What I really wanted to know was something else. I wanted to know whether or not you were fucking around. No judgement. Just want to know so we can be honest with each other and if you ever ask for advice at least I will be dealing with the facts.”

“I wasn’t. I mean I could have. There were opportunities. And in a couple of cases I walked straight up to the line but could not step over it…”

“What do you mean?”

“There was this underwriter from San Diego. Gorgeous. Former swimmer. Tall athletic…you know. My type. We were at a conference. We had a few drinks. She invited me up to her room. I went. We kissed and fooled around a little. Hand stuff. Nothing serious but I got cold feet when it came to taking the next steps. I guess my conscious was waying on me and she had a family. Just couldn’t do it.”

I didn’t say anything for a few moments. I watched a seagull gliding on the wind looking for a late afternoon snack and then diving into the sea after it. I watched a couple stroll along the Strand holding hands and decompressing together after a day apart. The ocean had taken on a navy hue and the sun, about a finger above the horizon, had taken on an orange glow. The wind had begun to blow cold.

I said “Would you mind if I gave you some free advice. Absolutely guaranteed to be worth every single penny that you paid for it.”

Smiling Con said “Shoot.”

“My normal advice, actually my original advice to you, was to figure out a way to stay together. Love is not as common as most people think. Trust me, a guy who remained single for twenty-five years trying and failing to find the right kind of love. To me that meant, if you find love, hold onto it with both hands. Don’t let it go. Work for it. Fight for it. Make it work because it is far easier to salvage a love adrift than it is to find someone new to love. You know I know what I am talking about. How many crazies, unavailable, and permanently damaged people did I have to cycle through before I found Nadine.”

I took a sip of my Stella and turned my chair so I could catch Con’s eye. When he returned the gaze, I continued. “It won’t work with you and Del. The love and respect for each other has been draining out of this marriage for a long time. You wanted a partner and got a dependent. She wanted a partnership but felt she should be the managing partner without owning up to it. You wanted someone to have a conversation with, someone who could argue with you, and she wanted to sweep all the problems under the rug. You wanted someone to play with and she didn’t want to play. You lived separate lives under the same roof and your paths diverged and now you are both miles apart. Am I wrong?”

“Go on.”

“You could spend hours, weeks, even years in counseling and get to the point where the love returns to your relationship. But frankly I don’t think either of you has the energy or the desire to do that. You are both too stubborn to change. That is not a dig. You are who you are and are comfortable with that. Cool beans. You could also continue the way you are with accommodation. That is to lead separate lives. Del goes off and does what she wants to do. And you do what you need to do. No harm. No foul. Except, that is how you have been living for years and it has not worked. Plus, I know you buddy. You don’t want to settle for the little package when the big package is on the table. You still think you can find happiness. What was that Vonnegut said, “Even though I have been chain smoking Pall Mall’s since I was twelve, I still think I have enough wind to run and catch happiness.” You still think you can find happiness. But in your heart of hearts you know that the chance of that happening with Del, is nil.”

“You think we should divorce?”

“I do. But not the way you think you should.”

“That is cryptic.”

“Didn’t mean it to be. You are super pissed off at Del right now. She did the unspeakable. Not only did she abandon you. But she set you up and is now claiming the moral high ground and crowing herself with a saint’s halo. Right.”

“No argument.”

“It means that you are hurt. And when you hurt, you lash out. Your vision tints red. Payback becomes a priority. Winning becomes a priority. You won’t let go until you have achieved victory over those who have done you harm. Do I need to site examples or have I hit the nail on the head.”

“Yeah, and?”

“You can’t treat your divorce like that. It will ensure your failure and worse. You will destroy your relationship with Liam and Duke. You will force them to choose between Del and you. It will fuck up the rest of your life in ways we can’t imagine.”

Just then the sun slipped below the western horizon, and I asked, “Did you see it?”

“See what?”

“The green flash you keep talking about. I was hoping we would see it tonight. I didn’t see it. Did you?”

“No. I was not really looking.”

“It is a good metaphor anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know whether the green flash is a myth or real. I have never seen it. But it seems to me that it is similar to a lot of things in life. If you see it, it is beautiful and remarkable and then it is over. If you don’t see it, you missed an opportunity you may never get again. In other words, be mindful, enjoy what you can while you can because it will all be over in flash.”

“How does that apply here.”

“You can choose to fight Del in divorce court because she has done you wrong. And there is no doubt that she has. She fucked you hard and is now gloating over it. But fighting her gives her all the power. She has trapped you and will torment you. Or you could just say screw it and walk away. I would argue you that you would get more satisfaction from denying her power over you than fighting her.”

“You are saying, just give her everything and walk away?”

“No. I am not saying that at all. What I am saying is talk to your lawyer. Tell him you want to work for a fair and equitable settlement. Remember it is not in his best interest to settle the divorce quickly. The longer these things drag on the more money he and his counterpart benefits. You remember my buddy from college Bob Preto? Just like you. Two boys and a certifiable broom owning witch of a wife who sued for divorce because he went to porn sites for satisfaction because they made love twice a year. He got angry and decided to declare war on his wife. $450,000 later he won his case and ended up with the same settlement he would have had at the beginning. I am not saying give her everything. I am saying hire a mediator or failing that an arbitrator. You may have to give Del more than you think she deserves but you will have to no matter which way you tackle this divorce. But at least with mediation or arbitration you minimize the amount of money you spend on lawyers, minimize the animosity, and limit the collateral damage your divorce will produce.”

“I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?”

“I don’t know if going the arbitration and mediation route is best for me. My lawyer thinks that it is too early to make that call. He tells me that he has been up against Del’s attorney and has always kicked her ass in court. He thinks we have a clear case of abandonment and that will help us in court.”

“Look I am not a lawyer, and I don’t play one on TV, but don’t you think advice like that is self-serving.  I am sure that there are good divorce attorneys but most of them feed on the pain and suffering of their clients because that is what feeds their children and mistresses.” Then I laughed and added “Do you know what the call a boat full of lawyers sinking?”

Con gave me a look that suggested that he had far too many of my “jokes” over time, raised eyebrows and a preemptive eye roll for the groaner to come. He replied “No, what?”

“A start.”

He chuckled, the deep resonant belly, laugh he had inherited from his father and said, “Not bad.”

I added “Here is my point. And you know this. Your attorney income depends on billable hours not on good outcomes, which is where your interest lies. Which means you need to manage the process to get what you want. And you need to manage yourself. You are angry and hurt. You have every reason to be, but you and Del were partners for over 30 years. Treat this like a business you are dissolving so you both can move forward with as little bruising and scaring as possible.”

I paused for a second and in the voice of Vito Corleone “It’s not personal. Its business.”

 “Thanks Godfather.”

The western horizon was now a deep scarlet with only a few battleship grey clouds marring the day’s last gaudy show. The lack of sun, and a slight uptick in ocean breeze was beginning to make it too cool to sit outside without a jacket and I was about to suggest we go inside or to dinner when Con asked “What does your mom thinks?”

I chuckled “Mom thinks, and these are her words not mine “You are well rid of the bitch.” She never really took a liking to Del and what sealed the deal for her is when she started giving helpful advice on how to run Nadine’s and my wedding. She didn’t appreciate being treated like a doddering octogenarian in her own home. Mom thinks she set you up and that were she in your shoes she would be looking for blood. But…”

“But what?”

“She also told me to tell you to be smart. Don’t get caught up in the hate and the bullshit. Settle this shit and move on. “

“Okay. Anything else.”

“Yeah. She said it gets fucking cold in California when the sun goes down and you should take her son out for sushi and sake.”