Chapter 12: Day 3: 3:35PM

A child is crying. One of the children who had been playing beneath the trees canopy fell while skipping along the path and scraped a knee. His mother, a woman with shoulder length brown hair tied in a small ponytail, was comforting the child telling him that it was just a scratch, and it would go away soon. Tears formed in my eyes. My mother had over time soothed a lot of my tears. For the millionth time in the thirteen months since her death I wish she was here to comfort me.

I turned to Conor and say, “Because I could have made a difference.”

“What do you mean?”

“When Mom died, there was nothing I could do. She had lung cancer and the cure had screwed up her lungs. It was just a matter of time before that time bomb went off. While I could beat myself up for not being home when it happened, in the end it would not have changed a thing.”

Wiping the tears away with the back of my hand I went on “With you, I couldn’t stop your cancer. I could be your friend. I could make sure you were loved and taken care of, but your fate had been sealed. It was up to the doctors to save your life. Nothing I could have done would have saved you.”

Conor had taken off his sunglasses and was looking at me. He didn’t have to say it for me to hear it. I said, “And …With Des there was nothing for me to do. He accepted his fate, put it over to a higher power, and lived as long and as well as he could with the support and love of the children and the wife he adored and loved him back. The only thing I could do was support him. Let him know he was not forgotten and would be remembered as the best of men.”

The child who had been crying was now giving his mother a hug. The mother smiled as the little boy dashed down the path after his brother who was hanging upside down from one of the Banyans horizontal trunks. 

I said “Every night on television, every day when I opened the New York Times the number one story was how many people had died from Covid, were dying from Covid and how the nitwit in the White House was suggesting we drink ammonia, take cow dewormers, and develop a method to bathe our organs with ultraviolet light. Millions were dying around the world, mass grave building was a cottage industry, and I could do nothing but sit at home, wash my hands, and wear a mask.”

I paused and breaking eye contact with Conor and gazed at this embodiment of life that had gathered under her multitude of branches, trunks, and roots. The children at play, the newlyweds, the tourists gawking, the bench sitters looking for relief from the sun.”

I went on “But Duke was different. I could have helped him. I could have made a difference and didn’t.”

“But could you have?”

“I could have tried harder.”

“And the chances are the result would have been the same. Why do you think his disease was any less deadly that your Moms, Desmond’s or mine? Just because it was a disease of the brain did not make it any less deadly. Just because some could survive by taking medication does not change a thing. Some people survive cancer when they take drugs. Others don’t. It is just the same. Medication helped him cope with life a little better, but the disease never went away. He made the choice not to take his medicine just like your father did when he decided to end dialysis. He made the decision to drink a bottle of vodka a day. He made those decisions to end his life. And no matter what you said or did nothing could have changed that. He wanted to go, and he did.”

”Then why do I feel like I could have done more. Should have done more.” 

“I am not saying that you couldn’t have done more. Sure you could have. You could have gotten on an airplane and found him and dragged him to rehab. You could have spent hours on the phone with him when he was drunk and off his meds having endless convoluted conversations about his vision of life and the universe. Liam did a lot of that. There are endless things you could have done but, in the end, it may not have changed the outcome at all. Maybe postponed it a bit. He had a terminal disease. He took the treatments for as long as he could and when the cure became worse than the disease, he stopped treatment and died.”

“Do you really think he thought it out like that?”

“I don’t know. Knowing my son, it is a distinct possibility. He was getting no joy out of life. And just like your old man he decided on a shorter life with more joy than a longer life that gave him no pleasure.”

I looked down at my feet and made little circles in the sand with the toe of my shoe. I wanted to believe what Conor was telling me but putting bi-polar disorder and cancer under the same umbrella of terminal diseases was difficult. I had been taught to think of them differently. Cancer killed you. Bipolar disorder was just a mental problem. It was going to take time for me to equate the two. I said, “There is only one problem with your theory.”

Conor looked at me inquisitively and replied, “What is that?”

“You are one of the great bullshit artists of all time.”

Laughing my friend said “Well, there is that.”

I said, “I miss this. I miss you.”

“I know you do.”

“We talked every day.”

“We did.”

“About everything. From life’s little foibles to the dramady going on around us. We would always talk.”

“Yep.”

“Talking to myself is not nearly as much fun.”

“Of course not.”

Laughing I add “But what are you going to do?”

“Exactly.”

From out in the harbor an airhorn blasts. I look down at my watch. 4:15. I turn to Conor and say. “Gotta catch a boat.”

He replies, “The Sea Goddess? What kind of a name is that for a boat. Let alone one that does what it does.”

“Hey, I didn’t pick the boat. Your ex-wife did. I am just a long for the ride.”

“Typical Del. What do you want to bet that within fifteen minutes of getting on board she has told the captain our entire life story up to and including how she divorced me for cheating on her and that now she is doing the Christian thing by granting me a last request.”

“It’s a sucker bet.”

“Yeah it is.”

Reluctantly, I get up to go. My friend looks content to sit on the bench and I say “Will I see you on board?”

He replies, “Do I have a choice?”

As I walk away from the bench, gravel crunching under my feet, I turn and look back at my friend and brother in all but blood. I do an about face and walk back to the bench. Conor looks up and  smiles and says “And…”

We both laugh and I say “I forgot to tell you something.”

“Is it that your days are little darker without me?”

Smiling, I say “That goes without saying, doesn’t it? But no. That is not what I was going to say.”

“Go on.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way. But there is one thing that this whole mishigas with your death and dying taught me about our friendship, maybe all real friendships, that I don’t think I would have learned if you hadn’t died.”

“And…”

“Stop it.  But then again, maybe that is the point.  After you died, I decided to make a list of all the ways over the years you had been a total asshole to me. I thought it might mitigate the pain a little bit. Help me cope with things a little bit better…”

“And.”

“Okay, now you are just being annoying.  Things like lying to me about how you were hiding your money from Del. Refusing to admit to stepping out on your marriage even though you knew I would understand because I had told you of my own affair. Or, how it took you months to call me when you were sick. All of it made me angry and sad. But then I realized something. Actually, a couple of things.”

“What was that?”

“Thank you for that. “And “would have been so easy. First, I realized that despite all of those things. I still loved you. And would miss you for the rest of my life. I didn’t care. The people we love are full of flaws. It is the nature of being human. And you have only two choices. You can embrace those faults as part of the uniqueness of that person, what makes them special, and why you love them. Or, not. And, if you chose the latter then you are going to spend all your time trying to change what you loved from the beginning. If your successful in changing the person more than likely they won’t be the person you loved anymore. Or they won’t have changed and you will be frustrated. Either way, you are going to have a miserable time of it.”

“So never ask people to change?”

“Didn’t say that. People change not because you ask them to but because they want to. Giving those you love the space they need to be them and the encouragement to be who they aspire to be is all you can do. The rest is up to them. Which is what led me to my second realization.”

“Which was?”

“You were always the person I wanted to be. You had this unbelievable confidence and faith in yourself. You could walk into any room and absolutely own it. You were convinced, no matter what, that you would walk away with the biggest piece of pie, the prettiest girl, and someone else would pay the tab. Damn I wanted to be you but it also made me feel that their was something lacking in me as well., How come I couldn’t be like that? Why couldn’t I be more like Con? Am I making any sense?”

“Go on…”

“Well between your divorce from Del, the whole thing with Lil and your diagnosis and your adventures with brain cancer, you leaned on me. Inadvertently, you showed me how much you valued what I had to say, what value I brought to you and why you had been my friend for forty years. I may not have been able to do the things that you could do but I could always do things you could not. While I thought differently than you did, acted differently than you, that was okay. You valued that difference.”

Chuckling Con replies “And why should that surprise you? We have been friends a long time.”

“What surprised me is that all this time, when I wanted to be more like you, you wanted to be more like me. I, without trying, made you want to be a better version of yourself. It is why we are friends. We both saw things in each other that we wanted in the other’s life that we wanted in our own.”

“For example…”

“Nadine.”

“How is that?”

“I believe that my love affair with Nadine made you reconsider your own marriage. You saw what we had and realized what you didn’t have with Del. It made you question what you wanted and probably inspired you to look for something else. I will never forget your reaction to meeting my wife for the first time. You saw how in love we were and most importantly how gentle she was with me when she disagreed with me. How we treated each other with love and respect. You told me you wished you had that with Del. She was all saccharine and no sugar.”

“I remember that.”

“But it went further. I think that when you met Lil, you thought she would be your Nadine. They were both Latina, smart and willing to speak their mind in a way that would not put you back on your heels.”

“So you are responsible for that shit show.”

“You can’t foist that one on me. I am just saying that is what you thought you were getting. The vetting process was all you. You saw what you wanted to see. But all this helped me look at our buddyhood in a way I never had before.  I never took the time to think “Why does Con want to be my friend.” You just were. But the last few years have been rough. I had to think why am I doing all this? You were a handful and dominated everything in my life. You took time away from Nadine. You were a constant source of dialog with Mom. I had to defend you to your children and others and clean up your messes with Lil and Del. You could have relied on George or your boys anyone but me. Why me? I knew why I was there. Friends show up. But why did you want me to show up? And here is the real shit. I know. I know. That if I were in the position you were in you wouldn’t have done nearly as much.”

“Okay…”

“But it didn’t matter. Because that is who I am and that is who you are. You valued me and it made me value myself more. “

“Isn’t that what friendship is all about?”

“Sure. I guess. But if Covid has done nothing else it has given us far more time to think. Long walks and time alone helped me think through this. So thank you.”

“For what, dying?”

“Nice. You know that is not what I mean. I mean thank you for believing me for all those years. For taking from me the parts of who and what I am and incorporating them into who and what you wanted to be. It made me feel seen and valued. I never got the chance to thank you for that and I should have. But I also want to thank you for all the things I stole from you. No one had a better sense of fun than you did.”

“Hows that?”

“Hmm. Do you remember when we were in High School and we skipped school to go and spend the day at Six Flags?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t remember much about that day but I do remember you on the Kingdom Kai Roller Coaster. It was an enormous coaster with twists, turns, loopdy loops and, barrel rolls. I was scared shitless and could barely breathe but not you. No doubt it scared you too but you screamed your lungs on the entire time as if this was the greatest moment in your life. The minute we got off of that ride I wanted to go and find some nice shady place to lie down. You would have none of that. You wanted to get back in that hour long line and do it all over again. You “Coned” me into doing again.”

Puzzled Con says “Okay?”

“Don’t you see that is your legacy to me. That when you find joy in life seize it and scream with delight until you cannot scream any more. Enjoy the ride while you can because you don’t know how many more runs you are going to get. “

Con looks at his watch and says “Don’t you have some place to be.”

Looking at my own watch I say “Oh shit” and head off at a half trot towards the Marina.

As I leave the shade of the tree, I hear Conor yelling to me. I can’t hear what is saying but I yell back “I love you man!” but I don’t think he hears me over the sounds of life under the Banyan Tree.