Chapter 6: Day 2: 8:15

I come to a small glade in the middle of the jungle. It is roughly circular in shape.  In the middle, a large wooden sculpture, bathed in sunlight, is surrounded by well-maintained native grass.  The figure is about eight feet tall, a fearsome Polynesian or Hawaiian god crouching with massive thighs bent, as if he is about to leap. His arms are by his sides, hands open as if spoiling for a fight. His face is dominated by an ear-to-ear toothy grimace suggesting to me that he is eagerly anticipating the battle ahead. He is crowned with a Mahiole, a feathered helmet, that I have learned is a symbol of rank among the Hawaiian aristocracy.

When I get closer, I see there is a small wooden plaque in front of the statue. It reads “This is the great god Ku. God of War and of prosperity. He is among the four primary gods of Hawaiian mythology who is responsible for the wellbeing of all believers and of the Hawaiian Islands. He is the only native god in which human sacrifices were made. The Guardian of King Kamehameha placed statues, similar to this one, around his kingdom as tribute to him. “The sign does not tell me why the statue is here in the middle of the jungle.  Nor who placed him here. I think this is odd, but I do not let that keep me from admiring this remarkable statue.

I am not naïve enough to believe that war is unnecessary. People who say that violence never settled anything have never been punched in the face. The people who go to war often have noble purposes in their heart. They are defending their freedom, religion, or country. Sometimes their reasons are less honorable such as economic or territorial gain, forcing their belief system onto others or even just revenge. Regardless of motive, most wars start without an understanding or appreciation of the consequences that wars bring. Did the countries that entered into WW1 because of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand appreciate the fact that nine million men would die including one and four Frenchmen of fighting age? That the war they started would not really end until the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989 with over one hundred million dead? Did the planners of the attack on Pearl Harbor realize that their victory that day would ultimately unleash a power that could destroy the world and result in the death of a nearly two hundred fifty thousand of their fellow citizens when the United States dropped Little Boy and Fat Man on Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

The problem with war is not that it is unnecessary, it is that it creates unpredictable, often horrible consequences. Once the goggles of war are put on the myopia of winning negates your ability to see anything else. The sadness, the tragedy of war, is that a modicum of understanding your opponent’s point of view, a bit of creativity, or just taking a beat to fully appreciate the threshold you are standing on could prevent the destruction and carnage that will follow. 

The Portofino Hotel is located on a small spit of land inside the King Harbor Marina in Hermosa Beach. It isn’t a particularly fancy place even though it is highly rated on Hotels.com. It reminds me more of a 60’s motel, which is what it once was, than the five-star hotel it has become.  But, having stayed there in the past, I knew the rooms were clean and well equipped with nice amenities, good service, and a hidden bonus I particularly loved. The rooms on the ground floor have a small patio and at night, you can hear the sea lions who inhabited the adjacent breakwater barking at each other. Which is why I am sitting outside now, bundled in a blue commando style sweater with leather patches on the elbows and shoulders listening to their conversation. I want them to help me let go of the day. Aiding me in that quest, and another reason I am sitting outside, is the “Lemon Tree” pre roll I had picked up at MedMen dispensary near LAX when I flew in the night before. I don’t smoke pot often but its legal and the clerk at the store told me that this strain is ideal for “chilling.” I hope a few tokes can help me forget the day and relax into sleep in a way alcohol cannot. I have only had one hit, I have learned from bitter experience that more than that can send me to a place i don’t want to go, but it has already begun to help me feel as I am better able to cope with the events of the day.  

I pull out my iPhone and scroll to the email Del had sent me a few days ago when she found out, probably through Liam, that I was headed to California to spend some time with Conor.

Why did I file for divorce, why did I lock him out, why did I go to a lawyer. He needs to look at his behavior. Con can’t. Like Duke when he was sick. They have the same problem. A need to rationalize everything. It is what addicts do. Con is an alcoholic.  He knows it. He has admitted it to me in writing. And you know it too. You told me so.

You know Con. His way of remembering things is writing them down. He keeps notebooks for work. Names etc. I have them and have read them. And don’t throw a lot of crap my way for having done so. I did it to see if I was crazy or my suspicions were right. I won’t apologize for having to try and protect myself. A lot is there to prove my points but not necessary to share. I do have them though. Just so upsetting to go through. I won’t open them again. By the way the hotel he went to was in Redondo. Right near us. He freaked out when I saw it on his calendar. He by accident copied me in. Then tried to justify his behavior the rest of the day. I didn’t even make a point about it. 

Con has been on dating sites for a while. I even saw him on them. He quickly flicked the screen over. He would get two glasses of wine and go down to the fire pit and look and talk to women. 

Here are some other problems I had.

1. I caught him over Valentine’s weekend lying about what he was doing. We both knew I knew where he went. I’ll just leave it at that. It was awful. I also believe he had an unnecessary overnight but won’t go there. 

2. Going on the cruise and him lying about why we were getting all that money then telling me the day before we weren’t going snorkeling, he was going to pick up HGH in a clinic instead. The cruise wasn’t for me, it was for him, and he lied about what he was doing. 

3. Sex was different…I won’t go there. Then he was unable to make it happen and freaked out. Right when we got back, He had to go right away to his place in Torance a few towns away to get the stuff to fix it right before leaving on a trip. I WAS WITH HIM! Trust me, we didn’t have sex and he was obviously in a hurry to get his meds corrected. 

4. We swam the day before he had the second hair job. I asked if we were swimming the next day. He said no he was out. The next day he got up at 5:00am and I said that was early. He said he had an early appointment. Oh I said doctors. He said yes. Then he left. I actually called him in the car, and he wouldn’t pick up. So I texted. This is the conversation- 

Con- Got your VM I’ll be back this afternoon. Please take an Uber if you want to.

Me- where are you?

Con- In Redondo

Me – Doing what?

Con – My hair

Me – Don’t come home, I am done bye I will be contacting a lawyer. You have issues and will make us broke. find a hotel. Enjoy all your hair, drugs and booze, be happy. Find a hotel for the night. Jesse and I will be on a flight tomorrow morning.

Con- I do need to come home and pack and get my work stuff and files please leave the door open so I can do this.

Me – no.

I had had all I could take of his lying and cheating and spending money. 

He was wild. He broke a door and the landlord and Mexicans workers next store saw it. They were afraid for me. I won’t go into detail, but he was nuts. Started throwing all of my clothes out of the drawers. He also continued to be nuts that week when talking to the landlord and Real estate person. They said he was scary to talk to. The landlord was scared to show the place. 

You get the drift. Our other landlord is scared of him too!

This was after I had asked him not to do it. It was a fuck you to me. He didn’t care what I wanted or was feeling. Or what it was costing. Cost only came up when I went for a lawyer. It was after sneaking the HGH and also after being caught meeting someone right before Valentines Day. Danny, anyone with a brain can see what he has been up to. It’s like how Duke was when he was sick. He will always justify his actions, but any sane person can see what is going on. 

I decided to see a lawyer shortly after Valentine’s Day. I shared much of what was going on with my friend Joanne who lives across the way. She had been divorced and told me the biggest mistake she had made was not seeing a lawyer before she left her former husband. She gave me the name of her attorney and I hired her.  Divorce papers came after reading his note to me which by the way had lies in it and then figuring out during the whole time poor Duke  was trying to mediate this he was fucking another woman. MMM did that woman just pop out of nowhere? Don’t be naive. Living in a different place and not getting a divorce were perfect for him he could keep his money and be single. 

I find it interesting that all his anger is on me and not on what brought us to that point. He’s like Duke. Great at winning arguments even if they are wrong. He is a sneak and a cheat. Also an alcoholic and liar. Duke is trying to justify his actions. He can’t come to terms with what he has been doing. He has to blame someone else. He chose not to go to marriage counseling long ago. He chooses porn, dating sites and sex with other women. He snuck around, lied and spent at least $20,000 on getting “upgraded”. He ruined our family. The facts speak for themselves as a result of his actions. 

Liam even told him he isn’t taking personal responsibility for his actions.  

So, in all his anger he needs to ask why I did those things. I doubt he can look at himself and answer. 

Thanks for listening. No need to do this again. Love always. Moving day 2 days. Will be so glad.

PS. I had to move his things into storage because he only came once and picked up a few things. The rest sat out there for weeks and were getting wet. It was too much to put in the garage. Too hard to go down another flight of stairs. I was moving on the 18th. After numerous requests through my lawyer and no response I packed up all his personal stuff got two men and a truck and put it into storage. I had to get it out of here so I could leave. The day I did it we finally got a response saying he would be here on the 20th. Obviously too late. 

The best way to describe the décor of Con’s bachelor pad was fraternity boy chic with design help from Costco. His living room furniture consisted of a brown microfiber couch that could have graced the cover of Trailer Park living with an old trunk as a coffee table. His desk and dining room table consisted of two 6-foot-long folding tables that would have been right at home at a swap meet or the American Legion Hall. His bedroom consisted of a King Size Mattress and box spring on the floor with two packing boxes as matching nightstands. He had three gigantic flat screen televisions. One in the living room, another on his desk that he used as a monitor and the last in the bedroom opposite his bed.

I was conflicted when I saw all this. The nature of our friendship compelled me to give him a huge amount of shit about living in a way that was a fantasy for the brothers of Delta House but was a million miles away from the professionally designed four-bedroom modern home in the gated community in Atlanta where he and Del had raised their family. However, I was also acutely aware that not only had my friend never lived alone, he had gone from living in his parents’ home to living with Del, but he was also going through one of life’s most stressful experiences. A time where good taste and judgement played second fiddle to expediency and need. I said “Very chic. I didn’t know that Costco had a design service. Is it free or do they charge you extra for it?”

Con replied “Oh no. Its free with their executive memberships.”

“Did you send an email to Zeta Psi magazine so they could feature it their next issue?”

“Didn’t have to. They called me. I declined. Too busy for a photo shoot for the next little while. And if you are done busting balls why don’t we go out on my mini deck, have a beer and see if we can see the green flash.”

Grabbing a couple of Stella Atois from the refrigerator and handing me one I said “I thought you didn’t believe in the Green Flash?”

“I don’t. But when in Rome…”

We settled into the blue and white aluminum and nylon collapsible chairs he had outfitted his deck with and clinked bottles. The sun was still bright yellow and about two fingers above the horizon. The wind was gentle and blowing directly off the ocean and into our faces bringing with it the smell of the sea and cawing of gulls swooping above the surf. I said, “Well this doesn’t suck.”

“Nope. Not at all. It almost makes all the bullshit worthwhile.”

“I bet. Did I tell you that I got a note from Del the other day.”

“No.” he said his voice changing from relaxed to cold anger instantly “What did the bitch have to say for herself.”

“It’s easier to show you.” And with that I handed him my iPhone with Del’s email opened. For a minute or so, I enjoyed the view of the Pacific, and the dipping sun while Con read Del’s note. Eventually, with a disgusted view on his face, he handed the phone back to me.  I asked, “What do you think?”

“I think she has painted the best possible picture for herself. She has twisted the facts just enough to seem reasonable. Like I am the bad guy, and she is the saint.” Pausing for a second and then laughing he adds “Its Trumpery.”

“I think I understand. But give me an example.”

“The whole hair plug thing is just complete bullshit. We discussed it before I decided to get it done. She thought it was too expensive. I told her that I felt it would help me with my clients and that it was something that I wanted to get done. Here in California how young you look is part of the culture. We couldn’t agree. She was dead set against it. So far, her description and mine are the same but she left out one thing. Our faith says that there can only be one decision maker in any family and if a man and a wife disagree what the husband decides is part of god’s plan and needs to be accepted. That is what happened here. I told her I had heard what she had to say. I considered it but in the end the decision was up to me, and I was going to get the transplants.”

“I don’t know Con. I can’t speak about religious things but that is not how I handle decision making with Nadine. In addition to having different fiefdoms. She rules in Rio and I in NJ we have agreed to have veto power over any major decision. If we can’t agree, then it doesn’t happen.”

“Well, there are two differences. “He said with vehemence “First, both of you contribute to the household finances. Del hasn’t worked in twenty-five years. Even after the kids went off to college. She has done nothing to contribute to the household finances. It has all been on me. Me. So if I want to spend a few bucks on myself then fuck it. I am going to do it. “

“Okay.”

“Second, she carefully leaves out that we spent the same to get her ass and tits lifted as I spent on hair plugs. Why is it okay for her to spend money to get herself tightened up and not okay for me to do it when I make the money.”

“It doesn’t make much sense to me.” Then, trying to make a joke to take down the temperature of the conversation I added “Perhaps, she is a sexist.”

Con didn’t take the bait and continued on with “Fine, she was done with me. Fine that the hair transplants were the final straw. But I ask you Danny what kind of a bitch locks a person they love out of their apartment with no clothes, no toiletries no nothing after he has just had surgery. It takes a grade A certifiable cunt to do that. Then to act surprised that I show up at our apartment angry and upset. Come on.”

On a roll he spit out“And the whole bit about me not coming for my things is almost a metaphor in  how she manipulates the truth. Yes, she sent me an email to pick up my stuff. Yes, she was kind enough to place it in the garage after it was damaged by rain. What a fucking saint! What she doesn’t tell you is that she emptied the apartment while she knew I was in London on business. Then I couldn’t pick up my stuff because I was six thousand miles away. By the time I got back, the apartment was empty, and she placed “my stuff” in storage. You know what was in the storage locker? A couple of old lamps, some clothes, and some other knickknacks. You know what was not there? All my family’s photos. She even took the picture of my dad that was hanging on the wall in the living room. She took everything that had any physical or emotional value and left me with the dregs and wants to be beatified a saint for it.”

It had been a mistake to show Con the letter. Hearing his anger or more precisely his pain was unpleasant and horrifying. How could a couple that had been married for the better part of thirty years have so much pent-up rage and anger towards each other? How could I have been so blind? What I had seen as a stable happy relationship was really a bubbling caldron of anger, deceit, and denial.  But in that moment, I knew I needed to put my own need to reassess and reexamine how I perceived the world and let my buddy vent. Let him lance the infected wound. Get the poison out in the hopes it would allow him to heal.

“Go on.”

“Don’t even get me started about her going through my business journals. I could get fired for her seeing those!”

“Isn’t that a stretch?”

“No. You don’t understand. That is my work product. Mercers has a written policy that no one, not even your spouse, can see our work product except an employee or the client. It is in my contract. If they found out they could fire me. Game over.”

“If you say so, I have never heard of any company anywhere having that requirement, but I am not in your business. But I would have been pissed off if Nadine went through my business things. Not so much because she did, but because of the lack of trust that it demonstrated. But that is us, we figured out pretty early on that when a good part of the time you live on separate continents that if we lost trust nothing will work. In other words, we made an active decision to trust each other.”

Con said nothing. I floated “She claims that she found proof of infidelity in those journals. Something about a hotel in Redondo.”

“That was a business meeting. A conference on earthquakes and how overdue we are for the big one. I went because I am trying to put together a product that will help under insured companies survive the financial trauma that is going to happen when the big one finally happens.”

I decided to push him a little. Not that I cared who, if anybody, he was fucking. I was not an innocent. But I did want there to be truth between us. I had known him too long and at least in my opinion could be a better friend if I was working with the truth as opposed to a fiction created to spare his image. I said, “Okay but were you having an affair.”

He angrily, perhaps too angrily, retorted “What the fuck. I told you no!”

“Look, I don’t care if you were fucking everything that was damp from here to San Diego. Would not change how I think about you. Shit happens. Life happens. And it is certainly clear, even from Del’s note, that part of your marriage was not working well.”

“You are talking about her comments about our sex life and me needing pills to perform.”

“Well…yeah.”

“The pills or the lack of sex.”

“Yes”

“She is right I had a hard time getting it up on our trip. And it did freak me out. A lot. That had never happened before. Suddenly, I was the guy with a limp dick. Me? The guy with the perpetual boner could not fuck his wife. So yeah, I rushed to the Dr. I wanted to know what was wrong. Turned out it was my blood pressure meds throwing things off. And the fact the making love to Del at that point was more of a chore…”

“TMI dude. TMI. I have no desire to imagine you two schtupping. None. Zero. Zip.”

“You asked.”

“I did. My bad. What I really wanted to know was something else. I wanted to know whether or not you were fucking around. No judgement. Just want to know so we can be honest with each other and if you ever ask for advice at least I will be dealing with the facts.”

“I wasn’t. I mean I could have. There were opportunities. And in a couple of cases I walked straight up to the line but could not step over it…”

“What do you mean?”

“There was this underwriter from San Diego. Gorgeous. Former swimmer. Tall athletic…you know. My type. We were at a conference. We had a few drinks. She invited me up to her room. I went. We kissed and fooled around a little. Hand stuff. Nothing serious but I got cold feet when it came to taking the next steps. I guess my conscious was waying on me and she had a family. Just couldn’t do it.”

I didn’t say anything for a few moments. I watched a seagull gliding on the wind looking for a late afternoon snack and then diving into the sea after it. I watched a couple stroll along the Strand holding hands and decompressing together after a day apart. The ocean had taken on a navy hue and the sun, about a finger above the horizon, had taken on an orange glow. The wind had begun to blow cold.

I said “Would you mind if I gave you some free advice. Absolutely guaranteed to be worth every single penny that you paid for it.”

Smiling Con said “Shoot.”

“My normal advice, actually my original advice to you, was to figure out a way to stay together. Love is not as common as most people think. Trust me, a guy who remained single for twenty-five years trying and failing to find the right kind of love. To me that meant, if you find love, hold onto it with both hands. Don’t let it go. Work for it. Fight for it. Make it work because it is far easier to salvage a love adrift than it is to find someone new to love. You know I know what I am talking about. How many crazies, unavailable, and permanently damaged people did I have to cycle through before I found Nadine.”

I took a sip of my Stella and turned my chair so I could catch Con’s eye. When he returned the gaze, I continued. “It won’t work with you and Del. The love and respect for each other has been draining out of this marriage for a long time. You wanted a partner and got a dependent. She wanted a partnership but felt she should be the managing partner without owning up to it. You wanted someone to have a conversation with, someone who could argue with you, and she wanted to sweep all the problems under the rug. You wanted someone to play with and she didn’t want to play. You lived separate lives under the same roof and your paths diverged and now you are both miles apart. Am I wrong?”

“Go on.”

“You could spend hours, weeks, even years in counseling and get to the point where the love returns to your relationship. But frankly I don’t think either of you has the energy or the desire to do that. You are both too stubborn to change. That is not a dig. You are who you are and are comfortable with that. Cool beans. You could also continue the way you are with accommodation. That is to lead separate lives. Del goes off and does what she wants to do. And you do what you need to do. No harm. No foul. Except, that is how you have been living for years and it has not worked. Plus, I know you buddy. You don’t want to settle for the little package when the big package is on the table. You still think you can find happiness. What was that Vonnegut said, “Even though I have been chain smoking Pall Mall’s since I was twelve, I still think I have enough wind to run and catch happiness.” You still think you can find happiness. But in your heart of hearts you know that the chance of that happening with Del, is nil.”

“You think we should divorce?”

“I do. But not the way you think you should.”

“That is cryptic.”

“Didn’t mean it to be. You are super pissed off at Del right now. She did the unspeakable. Not only did she abandon you. But she set you up and is now claiming the moral high ground and crowing herself with a saint’s halo. Right.”

“No argument.”

“It means that you are hurt. And when you hurt, you lash out. Your vision tints red. Payback becomes a priority. Winning becomes a priority. You won’t let go until you have achieved victory over those who have done you harm. Do I need to site examples or have I hit the nail on the head.”

“Yeah, and?”

“You can’t treat your divorce like that. It will ensure your failure and worse. You will destroy your relationship with Liam and Duke. You will force them to choose between Del and you. It will fuck up the rest of your life in ways we can’t imagine.”

Just then the sun slipped below the western horizon, and I asked, “Did you see it?”

“See what?”

“The green flash you keep talking about. I was hoping we would see it tonight. I didn’t see it. Did you?”

“No. I was not really looking.”

“It is a good metaphor anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know whether the green flash is a myth or real. I have never seen it. But it seems to me that it is similar to a lot of things in life. If you see it, it is beautiful and remarkable and then it is over. If you don’t see it, you missed an opportunity you may never get again. In other words, be mindful, enjoy what you can while you can because it will all be over in flash.”

“How does that apply here.”

“You can choose to fight Del in divorce court because she has done you wrong. And there is no doubt that she has. She fucked you hard and is now gloating over it. But fighting her gives her all the power. She has trapped you and will torment you. Or you could just say screw it and walk away. I would argue you that you would get more satisfaction from denying her power over you than fighting her.”

“You are saying, just give her everything and walk away?”

“No. I am not saying that at all. What I am saying is talk to your lawyer. Tell him you want to work for a fair and equitable settlement. Remember it is not in his best interest to settle the divorce quickly. The longer these things drag on the more money he and his counterpart benefits. You remember my buddy from college Bob Preto? Just like you. Two boys and a certifiable broom owning witch of a wife who sued for divorce because he went to porn sites for satisfaction because they made love twice a year. He got angry and decided to declare war on his wife. $450,000 later he won his case and ended up with the same settlement he would have had at the beginning. I am not saying give her everything. I am saying hire a mediator or failing that an arbitrator. You may have to give Del more than you think she deserves but you will have to no matter which way you tackle this divorce. But at least with mediation or arbitration you minimize the amount of money you spend on lawyers, minimize the animosity, and limit the collateral damage your divorce will produce.”

“I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?”

“I don’t know if going the arbitration and mediation route is best for me. My lawyer thinks that it is too early to make that call. He tells me that he has been up against Del’s attorney and has always kicked her ass in court. He thinks we have a clear case of abandonment and that will help us in court.”

“Look I am not a lawyer, and I don’t play one on TV, but don’t you think advice like that is self-serving.  I am sure that there are good divorce attorneys but most of them feed on the pain and suffering of their clients because that is what feeds their children and mistresses.” Then I laughed and added “Do you know what the call a boat full of lawyers sinking?”

Con gave me a look that suggested that he had far too many of my “jokes” over time, raised eyebrows and a preemptive eye roll for the groaner to come. He replied “No, what?”

“A start.”

He chuckled, the deep resonant belly, laugh he had inherited from his father and said, “Not bad.”

I added “Here is my point. And you know this. Your attorney income depends on billable hours not on good outcomes, which is where your interest lies. Which means you need to manage the process to get what you want. And you need to manage yourself. You are angry and hurt. You have every reason to be, but you and Del were partners for over 30 years. Treat this like a business you are dissolving so you both can move forward with as little bruising and scaring as possible.”

I paused for a second and in the voice of Vito Corleone “It’s not personal. Its business.”

 “Thanks Godfather.”

The western horizon was now a deep scarlet with only a few battleship grey clouds marring the day’s last gaudy show. The lack of sun, and a slight uptick in ocean breeze was beginning to make it too cool to sit outside without a jacket and I was about to suggest we go inside or to dinner when Con asked “What does your mom thinks?”

I chuckled “Mom thinks, and these are her words not mine “You are well rid of the bitch.” She never really took a liking to Del and what sealed the deal for her is when she started giving helpful advice on how to run Nadine’s and my wedding. She didn’t appreciate being treated like a doddering octogenarian in her own home. Mom thinks she set you up and that were she in your shoes she would be looking for blood. But…”

“But what?”

“She also told me to tell you to be smart. Don’t get caught up in the hate and the bullshit. Settle this shit and move on. “

“Okay. Anything else.”

“Yeah. She said it gets fucking cold in California when the sun goes down and you should take her son out for sushi and sake.”