Chapter Four: Day 2: 7AM

Three days later I was sitting at the kitchen table at mom’s house having dinner with her. I had moved back to my hometown shortly after my father died. This wasn’t all altruism. Good son moving back to his hometown to take care of his widowed elderly mother. Sure that was part it. I knew Mom could not live on her own without someone nearby and on call. But it was also for me. After thirty years I had grown weary of the city lifestyle and Nadine did not love the idea of living in New York. We moved a couple of miles away and when Mom needed her printer ink replaced or light bulb changed, I was there. The challenging part of this arrangement was the constant pressure to stay a little longer, have dinner with her. I understood. Mom had been married to Dad for one week, less than sixty years. During that time, she rarely ate a meal alone and rattling around a home built for a family of five was lonely. But I needed my time too. An agreement was struck. I would do my best to stop by daily for fifteen minutes and we would have dinner once a week on Sunday.

As I placed the containers of Chinese food on the table while Mom set the table I ask not quite innocently “So what is your favorite politician up today.”

She shot me a knowing look. A glance that said, “I know what you are doing. You want to see what happens when you throw gasoline on the fire.” I smiled back as if to say “And?” In the end, she could not help herself she began a long diatribe on Donald Trump latest assaults on democracy including his no nothing cabinet appointments, his attack on the free press and against governmental institutions. This made us both happy. It allowed her to vent her anger at a real person as opposed to the television and  it made me joy to know she still passionately cared about the world outside her home.

Eventually, she wound down and asked how my stay with Conor and Delilah had been. This was her revenge for my question about Donald Trump. Her way of getting me wound up. Mom loved Conor. While not a son he was certainly a member of the family. Delilah on the other hand she detested. If the phone call where Delilah had blamed me for all of Duke’s problems that she party to had not been enough she had sealed the deal at Nadine’s and my wedding. The wedding was held in Mom’s home, and she had gone through great trouble to make sure that our day would be memorable. The house was beautifully decorated with flowers and accoutrement. The backyard, where the wedding service was help had been put in order so that every blade of grass was positioned just so. The buffet was elegant and designed for optimal guest movement.  When Delilah had arrived with Con she had decided that my eighty three year old mother needed help and  proceeded to tell Mom the areas that she thought could be improved including but not limited to her outfit. It taken a relationship that was on life support and pulled the plug.

“It was interesting. To start with they are in a new apartment.”

“Didn’t they just move into the last one.”

“Yeah, but according to Conor the old landlord failed to mention the construction that was going to take place next door for the next two years. So, he voided the lease and they moved to an even more expensive apartment closer to the beach.”

“Is it nicer.”

“Nicer view of the ocean but not my cup of tea. Railroad like flat with not a lot of room. But he has one feature that Conor liked a lot.”

“What is that?”

“Three women from the US Olympic soccer team live downstairs and they share a firepit.”

She raised an eyebrow and said knowing Conor’s history with women “I have no doubt that is nice feature for him. How is Delilah enjoying it.?”

“On the surface, well. She is trying to act as in loco parentis to them. Running errands for them, giving them motherly advice and the like.”

“How is that going over?”

“Conor rolls his eyes so hard that you can hear them clink. I think the women from the soccer team are used to people fawning over them so they indulge Del and then ignore her.”

“And is Con behaving himself?”

I laughed. She knew the right question to ask. “I think so. But I don’t know. I am sure if one of the girls had a daddy issue, he would happily help her exorcise it.”

Mom paused for a second, judging if she was going to say what she was thinking and said, “If I were married to that woman, I would certainly think about stepping out.”

“Mom!”

“She is a bitch, and you know it. How he has remained married to her for as long as he has, I don’t know.”

“They have built a pretty good life for themselves. And in many ways, they fill a need in each other’s lives. Conor has no idea how to run his own life. He doesn’t know how to cook except throwing meat on the grill. He is hopeless at household chores and if it were up to him the bills wouldn’t get paid. Del does all that stuff for him.”

“But…”

“He has absolutely no respect for her. He married a high-powered working woman and ended up with a house frau instead. He does all the work. Takes on the stress of earning money and she contributes, at least in his mind little or nothing.”

“How long have the kids been out of the house?”

“Five or six years. I am not sure. Why?”

“That is trouble.”

“Why do you say that?”

“A lot of marriages break up when the kids leave home. Sometimes it is because their marriage has been a shell for years and they have only been holding it together for the kids’ sake, but I saw with some of my own friends when they lost their role of full time Mom, they had too much time on their hands. Idle hands and all that.”

“Well, she certainly has a lot of time on her hand and Con resents the fact that she feels like she has earned a retirement while he is out there busting his ass giving them a great life. He is beginning to see her as a parasite.”

“It sounds like she has it fairly good. What is her gripe with him?”

“Among other things she thinks he is verbally abusive. Really nasty with her.”

“Did you see any of that?”

“A glimpse. He called her stupid one night when she couldn’t figure out how the remote control to the television worked. It wasn’t much but it was pretty telling. He got really worked up over nothing and it was humiliating for Del.”

“Did you talk to him about it?”

“Indirectly, I told him that Del thought he was verbally abusive, and he got all worked up about that. It is when he told me how he wished that she would find something to do with her life. That she contributed to family coffers even if it was just a charity job. “

“You know what your father would have said about that.”

I smiled and replied “Yeah, I do. He would say it was transference. He won’t get angry with her over what is really bothering him, so he gets angry with her over something else. But I think it is more. Con told me his great frustration with Del is that they never argued. That when he got upset with her, she would just shut down and try to placate him. He wanted to lance the abscess and let it drain but since she won’t fight it just grows…”

“Why won’t she fight with him?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I am sure that was the way her mom dealt with her dad. He was a verbally abusive drunk and when he went into one his tirades about nothing…”

“What?”

“It just clicked into place for me.”

“How?”

“Del thinks that Conor is an alcoholic. She wanted me to speak to him about it.”

“Did you talk to him.”

“Yeah, we chatted about it. He claims he only has one big drink a night, but it is Barb who is addicted to wine and Port. In other words, he deflected. I pushed him on it. I told him I thought he was drinking a lot. That he was genetically predisposed to the disease and there was no shame in it.”

What did he say to that?”

He didn’t disagree. His argument was he may well be drinking too much. He might be an alcoholic, but he was a functioning alcoholic and that made it okay. I didn’t argue with him. Didn’t know what to say really so I said nothing. But now the whole thing make sense to me.”

“In what way?”

“I was thinking this on the long flight home. Del’s dad was an emotionally and physically abusive drunk. The only way her mom and the kids could keep peace in the household was by kowtowing to him. Confronting him only created more abuse. I think she sees Con’s drinking and his verbal abuse and instead of seeing our boy, she sees her dad and is conditioned not to confront. But from Con’s point of view, he is not the drunk her old man was and all he wants to do is fight with her to get the poison out so they can move forward. Instead, they are stuck in this loop. Del pacifies to stop the fighting but since it is the fighting that Con wants it just makes the situation worse.”

“Don’t do it.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Get involved. I know you. You have this sudden epiphany, and you are going to want to tell Con all about it or maybe even share it with Del. You think you will be doing them a kindness by telling them what you think you know. But it won’t be seen that way. They will only get angry with you.”

“They asked me to get involved. Perhaps I should suggest they seek counseling. It could go a long way to uniting the knot they are in.”

“I am sure. But your suggestion is the adult equivalent of saying that their baby is ugly. You are confronting them with the fact that their marriage is screwed up and they are causes. It is true. But the messenger is the one who always gets killed. You getting involved is just another way for them not to deal with the real problems and they will use you as a punching bag to boot. “

“You really think so?”

“They need to settle the problem themselves, in their own way on their own timetable. If they can’t it is on them.

“You don’t think pointing them in the right direction is a kindness?”

“It is a nice gesture for sure. But at the end of the day, it is unkind.”

“How so?”

“Pointing out people’s faults is a double-edged sword. Even when they ask for it. Even when it is done with good intent. One of two things happen. They listen to you and accept your advice, but don’t change because they don’t see what you see or they reject what you say and resent you for giving it and hold it against you.”

“C’mon, I have known them for years. They asked me for help for god’s sake.”

“That doesn’t mean they really wanted it.”

“Then why did they get me involved. “

“Who can tell what people’s motives are. It might be it is just a way for them to say they tried. No matter what you should run as far away from this situation as you possibly can.”

Just then, my phone rang. Holding up the display, so Mom could see, I said “It’s Con. His ears were burning. “

I hit the speaker and say “Hey buddy I am just leaving Mom’s.  Can I call you when I get home.”

There was a pause and then Conor replied in a crushed voice. “Yeah, Danny sure. But call me. Delilah has left me.”